Thursday, March 31, 2011

12 days: not ready!

usually i don't know why i can't sleep, but tonight it's pretty obvious to me why i woke up just 2 and a half hours after i drifted off while watching part 2 of mildred pierce. i'm all in a tizzy because our house is nowhere near in the condition i was hoping it would be in when the baby arrives. and my dear little darling has been doing some sort of polka very low in my pelvis for the past hour. i can't go into labor yet! there is stuff everywhere, i haven't packed the birth bag, luca's car is in the shop, the basement's not done (and won't be until my due date, if the workers actually finish when they say they will) and my impossibly selfish older sister has decided that it's perfectly reasonable to hold onto all the baby furniture she has been promising me until a week before my due date so that when their house is inspected no hidden stains or scratches will be detected. that one kills me. so assuming i make it until sunday, we are going to have a huge job, moving everything from the 3rd bedroom to the garage (which is still full of all the contractor's equipment) and setting up the nursery. i have decided to not express any anger or frustration toward f because her bitchy, self-righteous attitude makes it not worth it under any circumstances. but i am pissed. in one of her last emails explaining yet again why the furniture can't be picked up when i had arranged (for the 3rd time), she expressed appreciation for my patience and understanding. fuck that!

oh lordy. i don't get the feeling that this is going to be one of those nights where i wake up, have a snack, check some decor blogs and go back to sleep. might as well try and clean up a little, though it feels pretty futile.

some nice quirks from the past couple weeks:

shannon, the diet tech at work who runs a cooking group, had the patients bake me a cake for a shower that the staff threw for me! it was vegan and topped with a pile of carob chips!

a patient gave me a little stuffed lion that she made for the baby.

had a nutrition consultation over the phone with the top vegan rd! finally got my questions answered about soy, necessary supplements and protein.

the purple team gave me some little baby socks in purple.

i can't think. i want to embrace the start of labor whenever it may come, but it's really hard to let go of this idea of being "ready." and i know i'm probably displacing larger fears about childbirth and motherhood onto manageable objects like housework and a fucking awful sister, but i don't like having my coping mechanisms held up by people i am depending on. i need to accept that whatever will be will be and just take it one moment at a time, and sometimes i can do that really well and other times i get panicky. i think i'll see if it's possible to do some organizing and then maybe take a bath with that epsom salt i bought a couple weeks ago. when i was in high school i used to take baths with a pillow and listen to whatever crazy cd luca had lent me - allen ginsberg reading "howl", schoenberg, ligeti, prince. he is the one.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

21 days: because straight lines are godless and immoral

rather than post about how my insomnia is really wearing me down, here are some transautomatic paintings by austrian painter and architect friedensreich regentag dunkelbunt hundertwasser. quite a mouthful, and one chosen by the artist. his name means peaceland rainy day darkly multicoloured hundred-water.

(i'm pretty sure this next one is the painting that i gave jill a hard time about hanging over her bed. i thought it would send the wrong message to prospective suitors.)

and here is some of his artchitectural work, or vegitecture.

his green citadel of magdeburg in east germany:

the hundertwasser haus in vienna:

"living beneath the water" in plochingen, germany:

and the waldspirale in darmstadt, germany:

"the colorful, the abundant, the manifold, is always better than mediocre grey and uniformity." ~hundertwasser

Saturday, March 19, 2011

24 days: me and my wombmate

here you go, angela!

my life these days consists of reading about birthing and how to take care of a newborn and trying to put the finishing touches on the house - light switch plates, decorative dish towels, filling in the space in the dining room/library where the 2nd door to the kitchen used to be and preparing to convert the basement into an art studio. lauren arranged to come this weekend to help set up the nursery, but then my sister, who has been promising me all of this great furniture, cancelled at the last minute. she decided that she needs the furniture there to show their house to prospective buyers over the weekend. this is the 2nd time she has cancelled on the delivery. i was so totally enraged on thursday night, realizing that the room most likely will not be ready when we bring the cub home for the first time and of course stewing in a mess of old feelings about how my sister always makes other people feel less important than her. i'm still carrying a ton of resentment. but on friday morning as i was going out to my car, a guy who was doing some work on the house across the street stopped to thank me for the little desk i had left out on the curb the day before. it used to be samara's. he brought it home for his daughter. he said, "she thank you for the little thing!" in that moment my anger about not getting an entire bedroom set delivered before my due date kind of evaporated. yes, it helps to put things in perspective.

here are some helpful passages i underlined in my readings:

plunge into parenting. let go of your misconceptions, preconceptions, and fears about how things should be, how you imagine that they might turn out, and simply respond to your child moment by moment with full trust in his or her inherent goodness. your first response should be that of trust in the fact that your child has a good reason for his or her behavior and further trust that you can figure out what it is. ask yourself how conflicts with your child really serve you, what you learn from them, why you react the way you do.

children are, after all, our mirrors. they replay back to us only what they have learned from us. while at times this my seem unbearable, in the bearing and the looking, we learn that we can go beyond our self-imposed limitations and reap rich rewards in learning that we
can learn, can change, can adapt and face new panic periods of parenting with true confidence rather than mustered courage. a child strips away our illusions that we are perfect, that we have it all figured out, that we are all grown up. in fact, we grow up with our children if we are willing to remain open to our child's innate goodness as well as our own.

there was something else i wanted to post about taking care of one's house mindfully, but i think luca has that book upstairs and he is sleeping peacefully.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011