zoe brasi

peggy orenstein on girl culture

2012-01-05T14:36:00.001-05:00

got the chance to hear peggy orenstein talk a while back and just came across my notes from the presentation. thought i would share her insights:

1) she talked about pink and princesses and gender coding of clothes and products for young children. gave an interesting history of how this came to be, pointing out that none of this gender coding is natural - it is just marketing trying make things appear natural. it appeals to young childrens' sense of gender impermanance by giving them specific ways to assert their gender.

2) the transition from pink princess to the world of shopping and consumerism: the "it's all about me" culture. for girls, self-absorption is sold as self-confidence, getting whatever you want just because you want it. she describes this as a move from cinderella to the narcissistic step-sister.

3) the link between body consciousness and impaired cognitive abilities: she quoted a study that showed how people who took a math test after trying on bathing suits did worse than those trying on sweaters. body consciousness also decreases one's sense of potential.

4) by showing extremes like "toddlers in tiaras" for people to rail against, it lets more mainstream practices and expectations that also sexualize and objectify girls off the hook.

5) when girls learn to objectify themselves, it creates a rift between the performance of sexuality and the embodiment of sexual feelings. she said that sexual agency is just the latest performance for girls - it's all about how you look, not how you feel, so your sexual identity is externalized.

she offered the following resources to address the above concerns:

the geena davis institute
the center for research on gender and sexuality
powered by girl
girls leadership institute
spark
hardy girls healthy women
about-face

constable's clouds (1821)

2012-01-02T15:28:00.004-05:00

some day nolan and i will go out skying.

no kisses for the beast

2011-12-21T15:13:00.000-05:00

it's coming on new year's and once again i find myself thinking about the idea of resolutions. last year i felt keenly aware that i never keep new year's resolutions so i decided to just not make any. take the barbara covet approach: no change necessary. this year it feels more like no change possible. it's always the same. my pathetic struggles - to stop biting my cuticles. to eat well, meaning less sugar, more mindfulness, no swinging between overeating and following rigid, restrictive meal plans. keep my house clean and organized. then throw on top of that my wish to stretch and become very flexible, to floss every night and to spend more time reading and doing art.

i just don't understand how to implement these changes in my life in a lasting way. i can do it for a few days, weeks even, but then i just revert back to old patterns of behavior and then feel bad about myself. that's all. i simply do not know how to change. and i don't know if it's realistic to think i can. the beast that picks and slurps sweets and makes a disgusting mess of everything does not want to be tamed and refuses to submit to my demands.

stephanie seymour

2011-12-04T21:35:00.001-05:00

everyone remember stephanie seymour from that guns n' roses video? sure you do!

the sculpture below was one of the many pieces included in the maurizio cattelan exhibit at the guggenheim. it turns out that seymour's husband peter brant is a major art collector. he commissioned this portrait of his wife, which cattelan created in the style of a mounted deer and subtitled the piece "trophy wife." ha.

turns out this is only one of many portraits that grant has commissioned of seymour. the artists can do whatever kind of portrait they like. check out this list of those who have participated in the project:

Francesco Clemente
Julian Schnabel
David Salle
Eric Fischl
George Condo
Thomas Ruff
Maurizio Cattelan
Kenny Scharf
Piotr Uklanski
Enoc Perez
Jeff Koons
Urs Fischer
Karen Kilimnik

when the collection is complete, all the pieces will be exhibited. if i were a billionaire i hope i would use my money is such a fabulously narcissistic way.

ben wilson

2011-11-15T21:54:00.001-05:00

this artist paints on little dried wads of gum, ground into the sidewalks of muswell hill and the surrounding areas. he has done over 10,000 of them. he even accommodates special requests for his gum paintings, such as birth and death commemoratives. wilson says this of his work:

Kids are not allowed to feel any connection with where they live... They can't play in the streets because they are likely to get run over; then you have the national curriculum, and all this testing at school, and no opportunity to play or to make things, and everything you do outside is recorded on surveillance cameras. The only imagery that children see around them are billboards and TV; every part of their environment is out of bounds or sold off. That's why they don't care about their streets. This is a small way of connecting people.

a notably bleak chronicler of the human condition

2011-11-12T21:36:00.001-05:00

i've always been confused about francis bacon and i finally realized why - there are 2 of them! there is the francis bacon from the 16th/17th century who came up with the scientific method and may have in fact been shakespeare, and then there is the francis bacon who painted this:

this painting has done my brain in. wow wow wow.

mantegna

2011-11-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

even better than learning about artists through adbusters is learning about them through patients! this week g. mentioned andrea mantegna. check out this astounding piece from 1490:

lamentation of the dead christ indeed! what an astonishing painting.

here is his st. sebastian:

samson and delilah in a rather post-apocalyptic color pallette:

and his madonna and child:

seeing this makes me wonder what motherhood was like for mary, if indeed there was such a woman. she was a single mother, which is interesting, since she is the most famous and celebrated mother. jesus' legs look a little like nolan's legs here. same goes for his hands. i love the feel of nolan's little arms around my neck. that expression, however, is not familiar to me. most of the depictions of baby jesus that i have seen do not look very babyish at all. the expressions of the faces in the background, however, are hysterical.

maurizio cattelan

2011-11-08T20:43:00.004-05:00

YES

thanksgiving weekend, here we come! this will be a great first museum visit for the little bear.

1, 2, 3 nolan

2011-10-25T21:39:00.000-04:00

nolan had a rough rough day. another restless night, followed by a doctor's appointment. after being examined, he fell asleep in my arms, then woke up as needles were being pressed into his velvet thighs. we both sobbed. this evening he couldn't stand to be put down. i wrapped him in his moby, the carrier he used as a newborn, and he fell asleep as we danced to john lennon and cat stevens. my poor little bear. i hope he feels better tomorrow.

in the meantime, i am in one of those escape-fantasy moods. but as ronsard once said, le temps s'en va...

my paintings are now invisible

2011-10-23T21:42:00.000-04:00

every issue of adbusters is like an education in subversive art history. this last installment led me to yves klein, french nouveau realist artist, best known for his creation of the color 'international klein blue' (ikb). in addition to his monochrome paintings featuring ikb, he was also a visionary performance artist and conceptual musician. everyone knows about john cage's 4' 33" of silence, but several years before, klein put on a performance of his 'monotone symphony' - 20 minutes of a sustained chord followed by 20 minutes of silence. the piece was accompanied by naked models covered in blue paint using their bodies on canvases as "living brushes."

as his career progressed, he got deeper into the metaphysical aspects of his work:

"Recently my work with color has led me, in spite of myself, to search little by little, with some assistance (from the observer, from the translator), for the realization of matter, and I have decided to end the battle. My paintings are now invisible and I would like to show them in a clear and positive manner, in my next Parisian exhibition at Iris Clert's."

hilarious! what an exciting world we live in.

delight is a secret

2011-10-16T21:26:00.002-04:00

but more on that later...

1. clean up the kitchen
2. prep lunch and bags for tomorrow
3. get email down to 10

my gorgeous little bear at 2 months:

Delight is a secret. And the secret is this: to grow quiet and listen; to stop thinking, stop moving, almost to stop breathing; to create inner stillness in which, like mice in a deserted house, capacities and awarenesses too wayward and too fugitive for everyday use may delicately emerge. Oh, welcome them home! For these are the long lost children of the human mind. Give them close and loving attention, for they are weakened by centuries of neglect. In return they will open your eyes to a new world within the known world, they will take your hand, as children do, and bring you where life is always nascent, day always dawning. Suddenly and miraculously, as you walk home in the dark, you are aware of the insubstantial shimmering essence that lies within appearances; the air is filled with expectancy, alive with meaning; the stranger, gliding by in the lamp-lit street, carries silently past you in the night the whole mystery of his life…

"you need to get your act together, al!"

2011-10-12T20:05:00.010-04:00

i don't seem to blog anymore, but this evening i return to a sad way of blogging which we can call incentive blogging, or motivational blogging. in other words, my house is a mess, i have a million things to do and i'm exhausted, so i'll use my blog to keep me on track.

my method: set a goal, reach that goal, then post a cute picture of nolan. here i go.

the time is 8:14pm. my first task: clean up the kitchen and prepare lunch for tomorrow.

8:45 - done.

now... bake this pie for luca for his birthday tomorrow.

ok. 9:34. pie is baking and tofu is marinating. nolan:

next: clean up the dining room and at some point flip the tofu.

it's 10:06. the pie is baked. the tofu is in the fridge. the dining room is sort of cleaned up. not completely. but i still need to shower and clean up upstairs a bit, so i'm calling that one. nolan:

a brief, easy challenge: there are 48 messages in my inbox, mostly junk. get that down to 20.

ok, time to go upstairs. 10:20. naked nolan, en route to the bath:

my plan is now as follows: put a note next to the pie for luca. bring stuff on stairs upstairs. clear off the bed and the window seat. lay out clothes for tomorrow. brush and floss teeth. shower. post final pic of nolan for the night and fall asleep watching kristin wiig do her thing.

11:04. wow, i actually did it. goodnight, nolan!

god, i love him so much it feels like my heart could explode.

nolan

2011-10-05T21:28:00.001-04:00

i am so in love with my son today.

palingenesia

2011-08-06T10:29:00.003-04:00

whenever i read jungian theory i feel like i'm discovering the mysteries of the universe, always on the brink of something. dr. h. recommended the hero with a thousand faces to help in my work with a patient who is stuck and needs an adventure. this was right on the money. the jungians have it:

"...there is something in these initiatory images so necessary to the psyche that if they are not supplied from without, through myth and ritual, they will have to be announced again, through dream, from within - lest our energies should remain forever locked in a banal, long-outmoded toy-room, at the bottom of the sea."

and check out this turn of phrase:

"...still on the search for love - which can come to them only from the centaurs, sileni, satyrs, and other concupiscent incubi of the rout of pan, either as in the second of the above-recited dreams, or as in our popular, vanilla-frosted temples of the venereal goddess, under the make-up of the latest heroes of the screen."

and:

"the inflated ego of the tyrant is a curse to himself and his world - no matter how his affairs may seem to prosper. self-terrorized, fear-haunted, alert at every hand to meet and battle back the anticipated aggressions of his environment, which are primarily the reflections of the uncontrollable impulses to acquisition within himself, the giant of self-achieved independence is the world's messenger of disaster, even though, in his mind, he may entertain himself with humane intentions."

take that, ayn rand!

anyway, reading just the first chapter of this masterpiece fills me with desire and energy to learn all of mythology, psychoanalytic theory and art. no point in underlining here.

all morning, in my head...

2011-08-02T10:32:00.001-04:00

they tried to make nolan go to rehab
but he said, no no no
yes, he's been black but when he comes back
they won't know know know

he ain't got the time
and if his daddy thinks he's fine
they tried to make nolan go to rehab
but he won't go go go

the man said, why you think you're here?
nolan said, i got no idea
i said i'm just a baby!
that's why i always keep a bottle near

goodnight gorilla

2011-08-01T21:44:00.004-04:00

one aspect of motherhood that i am totally psyched for is reading lots of children's books to nolan. tonight we read alligators all around by maurice sendak and goodnight, gorilla, which i remember from my childhood. any great book recommendations?

last night i did not work on the house. last night i watched a documentary about world of warcraft called second skin. it was pretty enlightening. was anyone else aware that there are 100,000 gold farmers in china? those are workers that play warcraft to accumulate warcraft gold for players in the u.s. or elsewhere who pay real cash for their services. they are like factory workers, but instead of sewing garments, they play hours and hours of warcraft. it is messed up. whoa! there's a documentary about it! i'll have to watch that some time this week. but tonight we're watching a doc about amy winehouse. that is the treat. nolan goes to bed between 8 and 9, i work on my stuff for an hour or so and then we watch a movie.

my mission tonight is to go through the bag of art supplies that was salvaged from the flood and put everything away. then comes a picture of nolan.

as promised:

bird by bird

2011-07-28T21:34:00.006-04:00

it's 9:35pm. a little time to work on house stuff before indulging in chocolate hemp milk (seriously the best chocolate milk there is) and james franco.

1) change the laundry and finish cleaning up the kitchen.

done. obligatory adorable picture of nolan:

2) select several things from the dining room to organize/put away.

hmm, went through a few things, but my to do list just gets longer and longer. that's why i take it bird by bird. and post another pic of the cub:

tonight's awful checklist

2011-07-27T20:44:00.009-04:00

tonight's awful checklist is going to require some playful arranging. because the contractor who created our kitchen used crap tubing on the ice-maker, the cap popped off on thursday night causing a flood in our kitchen. because there was a flood in our kitchen, water poured down into the garage and the side of the dining room adjacent to the kitchen. because all of these areas got soaking wet, our insurance company sent people over to tear out the kitchen floor and part of the ceiling in the garage and set up dryers and de-humidifiers that are loud and heat-producing. because they had to tear out the floor, we have to get a new contractor to make a new floor for us and repair the cabinets. because the garage is still drying out, all of the items in the garage that were not destroyed got put into my art studio, which i had just about finished setting up. because i have a patient coming for a session tomorrow night, i am once again trying desperately to set up my studio. the rug is smelly, the art table is missing pieces of hardware and there are random things like toddler car seats, little christmas trees and boxes of tools and loose cds all over the place.

my mission is this: set a goal for myself and then post a cute picture of nolan on my blog. when i am done everything that i set out to do, i will have some peanut butter with chocolate chips (or chocolate chip, as the heat from the dryers in the kitchen melted them into one big chip which is chilling in the fridge), and a glass of vanilla rice milk. i am not a happy camper.

1) finish assembling the art table. listen to amy winehouse while doing so.

9:34pm disaster! i noticed last night that there were 2 angle brackets missing from the hardware that came with the table, so i stopped by killian's after work to get additional ones but they are not the same!! this means that i am at stuck on step 14 out of 26 until i get the proper hardware from the manufacturer. this means i have no art table for my patient tomorrow night. this is just terrible. what i want: to break something and scream expletives. what i need: to keep going. here is an early picture of luca carrying nolan in the moby wrap:

2) put everything that doesn't belong in the studio in either the garage or some other unseen place. listen to gesualdo while doing so.

10:02pm done. not too bad. here is another early picture of cousin aly holding nolan. so sweet how he is touching her heart:

3) clear out everything from around the stairs so it looks neat and tidy. listen to michael jackson while doing so.

10:34pm did as much as i can possibly do tonight. there's still some crap that i can't currently fit into the garage and the whole floor is in major need of a sweep, but michael helped, luca helped and i'm thinking there's a very small chance that i can actually finish putting the table together tomorrow after work. it just means less time with sweet sweet nolan:

keep the faith!

me and my nolanbear

2011-06-20T00:43:00.000-04:00

more firsts

2011-06-18T22:07:00.003-04:00

~first time splashing water in the bath
~first time holding pacifier with own hand
~first time sleeping for 5 1/2 hours straight!
~first time sucking on mommy's cheek (hysterical)

nolan inspires greatness!

2011-06-16T21:55:00.007-04:00

many firsts today for nolan - first shots (ouch!), first roll from tummy to back (a 4 month milestone at 2 months!) and first bloomsday! happy bloomsday nolan! down on delancey street, nolan was a great sport. he slept for most of the afternoon and when he wasn't sleeping he was amazingly calm. i had to nurse him just as the blind twins were finishing their sleepy reading from the end of ithaca. when we came out of the museum we passed drucie mcdaniel, who smiled when she saw nolan. after her awe-inspiring performance of molly bloom's soliloquy, she told us that seeing nolan inspired her, since her children are grown and the loss of molly's son is so present in her words. only 2 months old, and already nolan is doing great things!

there's drucie in the background! we also got a picture with her, but it's not such a great shot of nolan, so i will refrain from posting it.

why didn't i think of this until yesterday?

thomas quasthoff

2011-06-14T20:47:00.003-04:00

this morning luca introduced me to the vocal stylings of mr. thomas quasthoff, a star baritone who was born with birth defects due to the infamous thalidomide disaster of the 50's and 60's. he's quite captivating and sings a wide range of music.

here he is with daniel barenboim singing schubert:

performing with bobby mcferrin:

and here is my darling nolan:

crying for wendi tonight and so blessed for my home and my family.

nolan rainer brasi

2011-06-12T22:51:00.002-04:00

i have a new computer and a new son. both are lovely. i may even be ready to start blogging again. we'll see.
with a happy heart,
zoe b.

5 days: stress strikes again!

2011-04-07T09:57:00.007-04:00

but never mind that, here is some environmentalist art. not sure these artists would necessarily want their work to be identified that way, but it's all about landscape in the age of over-consumption.

here are some works by master photographer edward burtynsky:

he really understands the color red.

this is chris jordan's stuff:

he also did a performance piece where he burned all of his possessions.

these are ha schult's trash people:

8 days: cherry blossoms and bloody show

2011-04-04T22:01:00.003-04:00

feeling so much better since my last post. the furniture was delivered, the nursery is nearly set up, the weather is nice, i've slept through the night for a few nights now, i've received some wonderful gifts for little otik, i get hugs from patients everyday in anticipation that it might be my last and this morning my body presented me with a little sign of impending labor. i've informed little otik that when ever s/he is ready, it's ok to come out. the work on the basement isn't done, but i'm not too concerned about it. i just can't wait to see how the next week unfolds.

12 days: not ready!

2011-03-31T01:42:00.004-04:00

usually i don't know why i can't sleep, but tonight it's pretty obvious to me why i woke up just 2 and a half hours after i drifted off while watching part 2 of mildred pierce. i'm all in a tizzy because our house is nowhere near in the condition i was hoping it would be in when the baby arrives. and my dear little darling has been doing some sort of polka very low in my pelvis for the past hour. i can't go into labor yet! there is stuff everywhere, i haven't packed the birth bag, luca's car is in the shop, the basement's not done (and won't be until my due date, if the workers actually finish when they say they will) and my impossibly selfish older sister has decided that it's perfectly reasonable to hold onto all the baby furniture she has been promising me until a week before my due date so that when their house is inspected no hidden stains or scratches will be detected. that one kills me. so assuming i make it until sunday, we are going to have a huge job, moving everything from the 3rd bedroom to the garage (which is still full of all the contractor's equipment) and setting up the nursery. i have decided to not express any anger or frustration toward f because her bitchy, self-righteous attitude makes it not worth it under any circumstances. but i am pissed. in one of her last emails explaining yet again why the furniture can't be picked up when i had arranged (for the 3rd time), she expressed appreciation for my patience and understanding. fuck that!

oh lordy. i don't get the feeling that this is going to be one of those nights where i wake up, have a snack, check some decor blogs and go back to sleep. might as well try and clean up a little, though it feels pretty futile.

some nice quirks from the past couple weeks:

shannon, the diet tech at work who runs a cooking group, had the patients bake me a cake for a shower that the staff threw for me! it was vegan and topped with a pile of carob chips!

a patient gave me a little stuffed lion that she made for the baby.

had a nutrition consultation over the phone with the top vegan rd! finally got my questions answered about soy, necessary supplements and protein.

the purple team gave me some little baby socks in purple.

i can't think. i want to embrace the start of labor whenever it may come, but it's really hard to let go of this idea of being "ready." and i know i'm probably displacing larger fears about childbirth and motherhood onto manageable objects like housework and a fucking awful sister, but i don't like having my coping mechanisms held up by people i am depending on. i need to accept that whatever will be will be and just take it one moment at a time, and sometimes i can do that really well and other times i get panicky. i think i'll see if it's possible to do some organizing and then maybe take a bath with that epsom salt i bought a couple weeks ago. when i was in high school i used to take baths with a pillow and listen to whatever crazy cd luca had lent me - allen ginsberg reading "howl", schoenberg, ligeti, prince. he is the one.

21 days: because straight lines are godless and immoral

2011-03-22T03:46:00.007-04:00

rather than post about how my insomnia is really wearing me down, here are some transautomatic paintings by austrian painter and architect friedensreich regentag dunkelbunt hundertwasser. quite a mouthful, and one chosen by the artist. his name means peaceland rainy day darkly multicoloured hundred-water.

(i'm pretty sure this next one is the painting that i gave jill a hard time about hanging over her bed. i thought it would send the wrong message to prospective suitors.)

and here is some of his artchitectural work, or vegitecture.

his green citadel of magdeburg in east germany:

the hundertwasser haus in vienna:

"living beneath the water" in plochingen, germany:

and the waldspirale in darmstadt, germany:

"the colorful, the abundant, the manifold, is always better than mediocre grey and uniformity." ~hundertwasser

24 days: me and my wombmate

2011-03-19T06:08:00.006-04:00

here you go, angela!

my life these days consists of reading about birthing and how to take care of a newborn and trying to put the finishing touches on the house - light switch plates, decorative dish towels, filling in the space in the dining room/library where the 2nd door to the kitchen used to be and preparing to convert the basement into an art studio. lauren arranged to come this weekend to help set up the nursery, but then my sister, who has been promising me all of this great furniture, cancelled at the last minute. she decided that she needs the furniture there to show their house to prospective buyers over the weekend. this is the 2nd time she has cancelled on the delivery. i was so totally enraged on thursday night, realizing that the room most likely will not be ready when we bring the cub home for the first time and of course stewing in a mess of old feelings about how my sister always makes other people feel less important than her. i'm still carrying a ton of resentment. but on friday morning as i was going out to my car, a guy who was doing some work on the house across the street stopped to thank me for the little desk i had left out on the curb the day before. it used to be samara's. he brought it home for his daughter. he said, "she thank you for the little thing!" in that moment my anger about not getting an entire bedroom set delivered before my due date kind of evaporated. yes, it helps to put things in perspective.

here are some helpful passages i underlined in my readings:

plunge into parenting. let go of your misconceptions, preconceptions, and fears about how things should be, how you imagine that they might turn out, and simply respond to your child moment by moment with full trust in his or her inherent goodness. your first response should be that of trust in the fact that your child has a good reason for his or her behavior and further trust that you can figure out what it is. ask yourself how conflicts with your child really serve you, what you learn from them, why you react the way you do.

children are, after all, our mirrors. they replay back to us only what they have learned from us. while at times this my seem unbearable, in the bearing and the looking, we learn that we can go beyond our self-imposed limitations and reap rich rewards in learning that we can learn, can change, can adapt and face new panic periods of parenting with true confidence rather than mustered courage. a child strips away our illusions that we are perfect, that we have it all figured out, that we are all grown up. in fact, we grow up with our children if we are willing to remain open to our child's innate goodness as well as our own.

there was something else i wanted to post about taking care of one's house mindfully, but i think luca has that book upstairs and he is sleeping peacefully.

magickal places

2011-03-02T08:51:00.003-05:00

45 days: luca's sweater looks better on luca

2011-02-26T06:07:00.004-05:00

well, readers, i am actually sitting in my kitchen this morning. last night i spent about 4 hours washing dust-covered utensils, plates, pots, pans and containers, emptying boxes, organizing and COOKING! yes, i made chickpea cutlets, mashed potatoes with mushroom gravy and kale avocado salad. so so nice.

of course i couldn't sleep after about 5 hours of rest, so i came down to read more about managing labor pain. then i decided to see if any of the art shows i did this week got press. turns out r*nfrew posted some truly hideous pictures of me on facebook - lovely!

despite that upon seeing pictures of me raising awareness about eating disorders my first thought was "oh gosh i look really fat...," and the fact that it looks like i was speaking to an audience of one who wasn't even paying attention (there were over 50 people there!), it was nice to see former patients and interns "like" the pictures. one girl i barely remember said she loves me! i do hope it's somewhat obvious that i'm pregnant from the photos... alas.

49 days: food porn

2011-02-22T05:16:00.002-05:00

kitchen should be done by the end of the day, so what is mama zoe doing at 4:30 in the morning? scouring isa chandra moskowitz's food blog for recipes of course! tempeh helper, chickpea cutlets, snobby joe's, mmmm... right now my to do list looks like this:

cookies!
smoothies!
cranberry orange muffins!
eggnog!

oh dear, i've made myself quite hungry. better get a snack before returning to bed and informing luca that today is not in fact a snow day.

53 days: arkhip kuindzhi

2011-02-18T05:01:00.002-05:00

arkhip kuindzhi was a ukrainian painter, born some time around 1842. a member of the wanderers, a russian art movement that rebelled against academic restrictions and concentrated on realism and social change, his moody landscapes were influenced by the work of caspar david friedrich.

i find myself drawn much more to realist than impressionistic landscapes. they come much closer to my own experience of the land, which does not feel transient or feathery. of course i admire many of the great impressionist works, but kuindzhi captures something else that seems deeper to me - something more eternal. the fusion of romanticism and realism is powerfully striking. his dramatic use of color and sense of illumination evokes a profound emotionality, but feels grounded, rooted, embedded. there is a majestic solidity in his landscapes, a tension of presence and absence, a solitude and melancholy. kuindzhi's parents both died when he was 6, and while one can only guess at the impact this had on his life, i don't think it's presumptuous to surmise that the loneliness of his unpeopled images may reflect this early loss. for me there is always loneliness in landscape, perhaps because it outlives everything else. everything that happens in a landscape - a celebration, an intimate moment, a brutal crime, a ritual or routine - these things are transitory, while the landscape remains, impassive. i wonder if the need to capture a landscape comes from that feeling of impermanence and loss - who will remember that which has outlived everything else?

these are my favorite kuindzhi paintings that i found online:

this one is called "after the rain". dig that rich green ground and murky water!

the movement of the clouds, the unbearable clarity of the blues and greens. can't you just smell this scene?

this looks like a million places i have walked and wondered in, remembering and imagining...

59 days: jenny saville

2011-02-12T03:34:00.006-05:00

i've been looking at jenny saville's work in the middle of the night for a week now. she is the real deal. i first saw a couple of her paintings in the infamous sensation exhibit at the brooklyn museum back in 1999. they certainly were memorable, but at the time i was more interested in some of the more, well, sensational, art in the collection - stuff about violence, death, the edges of sexuality. such was my dark little mind at the time. so when my intern mentioned saville as an artist who paints transsexuals, i was delighted to discover this was the same artist that i had encountered over a decade ago. this time around, her work had a new immediacy for me. she did do a painting of a transsexual, but mainly her work is just about flesh, female flesh:

saville says about her fascination with the flesh, "it's all things. ugly, beautiful, repulsive, compelling, anxious, neurotic, dead, alive." she remembers sitting on the floor as a child, looking up at her piano teacher: "from below she had these big, thick thighs, a thick tweed skirt and tights, and i'd spend the whole time looking at the way her thighs never parted and how the flesh would rub against the tights." this is the kind of recollection that makes a lot of sense when you look at her work. the bodies that she paints, though often inscribed with the judgments of a society that fears and rejects their voluminous weight, are rendered with so much love, so much attention, so much wonder and awe. all the subtle gradations of color in different parts of the body, the soft jelly-flesh under the breasts, the interplay of red warmth and blue shadow, the thickness of layers, the frankness of hair and fingers and folds. seen from below, they are immense and powerful. these are bodies that cannot be contained or commodified. saville has noted that many women find their own experience of their bodies reflected in her paintings, and i would agree with that. there is of course the appeal of advertised images of femininity, where bodies are clean, smooth, tight, dry... but in this work the actual experience of female embodiment is brought forth. flesh is not hard and even, or delicate like a flower; it is messy, leaking, smelly, hairy, heavy. it is everything that women are made to feel ashamed of, which of course exposes a profound misogyny - our unentitlement to live in and be at ease in our own bodies. saville is masterful at capturing the abject elegance of her subjects, reveling in their physical heft while framing and positioning them in such a way as to reveal the deep anxiety therein. she says, "i'm not painting disgusting, big women. i'm painting women who've been made to think they're big and disgusting, who imagine their thighs go on forever..."

some of the images go further than others in addressing the way women's bodies are discarded and subjected to violence and degradation:

long live the new flesh! and now it is time for this mama bear to get some more sleep.

67 days: alex gross

2011-02-04T03:53:00.007-05:00

lately i've been perusing lots of blogs that feature very pretty interior design and "inspiration" photos. i've especially been taken by la maison boheme and moon to moon. but although i have been enjoying noticing my emotional responses to these types of blogs and the images that populate them - awe, envy, fascination, dreaminess - it's very different than looking at the kind of art that interests me. that got me wondering if decor is art. certainly it is highly creative and at best can be seen as a form of installation art where environments evoke different states of consciousness. however, i ultimately think decor is much more aligned with fashion than art. it is a glamorous spectacle that impresses and stimulates feeling -much like advertising - but i can't think of any picture off the pages of elle decor or architectural digest that has actually made me think. or at least think anything beyond "wow" or "i want that." whereas looking at the work of some of my favorite artists - edvard munch comes to mind - there is much more than just desire that is being stimulated. the art i like reaches deep inside and touches a spiritual hunger to expand, to question, to transgress, to clarify, to fix in time and space a longing, a memory, a fear, an idea, an ache. no matter how lovely floor tiles and window treatments can be, they just don't do those things.

so i've decided to post about some artists that have got my attention right now. i begin with alex gross. he seems an appropriate choice since i am here trying to make distinctions between art and design and he is collapsing any such distinctions into a two-dimensional kingdom of pop surrealism:

i first saw his work on the cover of adbusters a couple months ago. it was this last image of a girl on her cell phone at the beach, wearing a pink floyd t-shirt and holding an ice cream cone. how was he able to capture so much of the cultural landscape of postmodern america in one image? it's staggering! so i started exploring more of his stuff online. it's extremely funny and so full of references that the work seems to exist as a dream space that is saturated with endless signifiers, symbols, logos and icons. combined with archetypal, even mystical imagery and painted flatly with an already-dated palette, it evokes a distinct feeling of unease, dread and alienation. the eyes of his subjects appear glazed over, hypnotized, transfixed, but not looking at anything. they themselves are spectacles, caught in a matrix of manufactured commercial desire and co-opted identity. in addition, the paintings are like composites of other paintings, creating an aesthetic of homage, appropriation and visual recycling - mirroring both the mindscape of consumerism and the language of the unconscious. the experience of looking at them changes depending on the viewers knowledge of their predecessors and informers.

take this one for instance:

does this not echo the imagery in "love song" by joe coleman, another pop surrealist of a more violent, grotesque variety:

and how about the darkly unconscious space of leonor fini's masterwork?

this one is a clear allusion to a christian schad portrait:

ok, it's after 5am now so i must get in a few more hours of sleep before heading out to install my own art show of patient work at psu. more art to come!

69 days: decor envy

2011-02-02T21:36:00.006-05:00

i found a designer i like even more than jonathan adler. i don't like everything she does, but what i do like i am completely bowled over by. this is the work of muriel brandolini:

still in full-on kitchen mode. have made much progress. thanks to my beloved decor blogs i discovered ikat textiles. i'm gonna get these chairs from anthropologie!

i think they will go great with our juparana gold granite table:

and black oceanside tiles:

now i just need to make a final decision about the walls, trim, lights and lewitt painting.

80 days: soleil je t'aime

2011-01-22T06:07:00.004-05:00

yesterday i started my day out right by taking naked pictures of myself and sending them to my friends. meanwhile, i listened to the glorious francoise hardy - soleil je t'aime over and over:

got to work at 9 even though i didn't have to be there until 10 so i could work on my first birthing from within assignment: draw your vision of a pregnant woman. it felt so natural to free-paint again. so often i don't do art because i put pressure on myself to produce something "finished" that can be framed and hung up or given as a gift. i promised myself that in order to do the assignments in the book i would let go of that. i would use whatever materials seemed right for the topic, trust whatever image came to me and totally immerse myself in the process. no matter how many times i learn this lesson, i always seem to lose sight of the magnitude of how deeply satisfying it is to paint and how nourishing it is for the soul.

she came out as a kind of mountain warrior. the darkness was important - midnight sky with stars, craggy, formidable terrain, the darkness of her womb. darkness as fertile, magickal, creative. at first i painted her sitting down in a golden chair that hugged and supported her body, but she made it clear that she wanted to be standing. so i worked with the triangular composition that emerged and made her body into its own mountain. her eyes are closed, but she is not asleep. she is strong and serene, powerful, still donning the vestiges of maidenhood - girlish flowers in her hair, pink polish on her fingernails. her heart is a blazing flower that sends roots down to the life force within her. the child is pure energy - white at the center, gold, pink and blue layers embedded in the woman's body, growing and glowing. the woman's hands draw energy from the universe for her baby and she receives energy in turn. her body is green to represent fertility and the purple in her legs is physical strength. her hair is wild and red, naturally, as that has long been my image of a goddess.

i can't wait to show it to my mom! i also kind of look forward to seeing the uncomfortable reaction on my dad's face, like when i showed him the portrait i did of lenya with labia baboonia.

today we make final decisions about the kitchen - tiles, granite, paint and light fixtures. i am feeling optimistic.

83 days: impasse anxiety

2011-01-19T10:20:00.003-05:00

woke up feeling deeply irritable and anxious. although i have been enjoying watching our veronica mars dvds in the evening, i'm not happy that i have been spending my evenings staring at a screen for as long as i can muster, just trying to stay awake until 10 so i don't wake up at 3 in the morning. it feels like a depressive way of living. so i got up feeling angry at myself - angry for not appreciating my time and using it better, angry that i haven't been cleaning up after myself or doing everything that i can to prepare the house. i was also irritated with luca for asking me to get groceries after work, which i did, only to return home to find that he had gone grocery shopping and bought all the same stuff i did.

often when i feel like this in the morning, a certain voice starts egging me on. it tells me we are going to have a perfect day, taking care of everything in a timely manner, eating properly, catching up on unfinished business and making all sorts of progress with my "things to do before the baby is born" list. the voice is no-nonsense - intolerant of extenuating circumstances, fatigue and flexibility. i am weary of it, as my good behavior tends to break down before i even leave for work. today it broke down as i was getting dressed, tossing clothing all over the bed and floor just trying to find something that fit and wasn't in the overflowing hamper. i wanted to pick them up, but i knew if i did, then i wouldn't have time to eat breakfast. on my drive to work i was frustrated that i didn't have any soothing cds in the car and considered just taking a mental health day, since i couldn't imagine not starting to cry at some point during my marathon body image group day. i was also convinced that i looked as disheveled as i felt.

but as i was headed downstairs to get my 9 o'clock patient, a slight girl with dark brown hair said in the saddest voice "hi zoe." at first i thought she was this other patient that doesn't generally greet me or ask me how i am. so i paused for a second, wondering why she was looking at me with so much longing, then suddenly realized she was a girl i had worked with in the past and had wondered about so much over the years. i gave her a big hug. she told me she really wanted to do art therapy and was thinking she might even want to go to school to become an art therapist.

my morning group was really honest and meaningful. i had everyone depict what they're really feeling when they say "i feel fat." the images had so much integrity - full of questioning and self-doubt.

at the experiential meeting david caught sight of the plastic-wrapped prepared sandwich i was munching on and declared "you're life is a mess!" i confessed that i have even been eating oreos. clearly a sign that the person who used to bring fresh baked cupcakes with homemade peanut butter cups to work each week has deteriorated into a debased condition. i almost offered to guest chef for the emotional eating program just so i could get a cooking fix.

i'm glad i came to work. it's heartening to get a glimpse of myself through other peoples' eyes. never mind that my desk is a huge mess.

84 days: kitchen obsession and veronica mars

2011-01-18T04:24:00.006-05:00

spent the last few days re-watching season 3 of veronica mars, which luca bought at tla's blow-out everything-must-go sale, along with a copy of jess franco's eugenie and a blu-ray of dr. zhivago. the hours not taken up by veronica's witty banter have been occupied with distressing thoughts of countertops, backsplash and wall color.

at first, all i had in mind was high contrast and either a sol lewitt wall painting or some framed alphonse mucha posters. our contractor set us up with a designer at home depot, who created a design that seemed reasonable. she worked at an infuriatingly slow pace and didn't have that air of design authority that both intimidates and reassures me. but we arrived at something and even managed to decide on cabinets. when i saw this kitchen in the thomasville catalogue i had a mind to copy its serene, understated aesthetic:

we ordered gibson cabinets in the amaretto creme finish pictured above. i figured we'd get black subway tiles, medium toned granite, creme walls and one of those black and white sol lewitt's:

but then i kept seeing these gorgeous all-white kitchens filled with colorful things and i started to doubt myself. i tend to go for color color color so the idea of just white seemed foreign yet appealing. i'm thinking of this type of thing, where the color is in the details:

so my revised vision included off-white cabinets, counters, backsplash and walls, colorful glass pendant lights, a red door, a bright rug, green plants, chairs with bold-patterned upholstery and a jewel-hued sol lewitt:

but i drew this idea out and it seemed totally boring! so then i was thinking of adding some of the leftover green glass tiles from the bathroom into the backsplash, which led to re-imagining the whole idea, asking everyone from interns, patients and the good people at dwelling what they would do, fantasizing about my friend lisa's mosaic-filled kitchen and feeling angry at our contractor for not being jonathan adler. blech. i am seriously stressed about kitchen design. this would have sounded like a joke to me when i was in high school.

84 days or so till my little bear arrives. can i do it? can i get the house ready on time?

kafka on books

2011-01-15T17:02:00.000-05:00

"I think we ought to read only books that wound and stab us. If the book we are reading doesn't wake us like a blow on the head, what are we reading for? So that it will make us happy, as you write? Good God, we would be just as happy if we had no books and the kind of books that make us happy are the kind we could write ourselves if we had to. But we need the books that affect us like a disaster, that grieve us deeply, like the death of someone we love more than ourselves, like being banished into forests far from everyone, like a suicide. A book must be the axe for the frozen sea inside us. That is my belief."

87 days: back pain and anticipation

2011-01-15T04:01:00.003-05:00

true, it's 4 in the morning, but i did sleep for nearly 8 hours so i'm not sure it can be considered insomnia. just having a bagel with almond butter, banana and agave nectar in samara's room. soo delicious. her desk chair is way better than the one i have at work.

yesterday was pretty bad in terms of physical discomfort, but my spirits were much higher. spoke with one of the midwives in the morning who told me all my labs were normal and that she didn't think i needed to worry about my soy intake since i'm already producing "enough estrogen to blind an elephant." she also didn't think i needed 71 grams of protein a day, but just to make sure it's over 50, which seems way more manageable to me. so for now i am just going to eat what i want, with an eye for variety. i'm sure in a week or two i'll have another freak-out and start charting everything again and feeling convinced that i've done irreparable damage to my unborn. for now, i feel good and fairly confident.

today i'm going to a pre-natal yoga class near the co-op since the teacher i like changed over to that studio. she said she would give me some recommendations for my back pain. it was off the charts by the end of the work day yesterday. i went out to dinner with my intern and could not sit still. at one point we were both doing an upper back stretch, sitting with our hands clasped behind our heads, neck down, when the waitress approached and then quickly backed off. i thought the pain would never go away, but an hour later i was floating blissfully in the bath and then drifting off to sleep, wrapped in the cozy white robe that luca got me for our 2nd anniversary. so i am becoming aware of the cycles of pregnancy. everything comes and goes - the doubts, fears, pains, preoccupations. there must be something in this experience that will better prepare me for birth and motherhood.

the thing that always makes it all better is when the baby kicks. part of what woke me up was that it was doing a little tap dance on the right side of my body.

now i'm going to read some more of birthing from within. in 87 days (give or take a few) there will be an actual baby here with me!! i can't wait to see its face for the first time.

88 days: cranky and unsettled

2011-01-14T01:25:00.002-05:00

there is of course much to be grateful for (even though my louise bourgeois studies had me doubting the whole notion of gratitude), but right now it is 1:30 in the morning and i am feeling cranky. and since 2 full days of crankiness has put me on guard for symptoms of depression, i have decided to start a countdown to my due date. 88 days to go. this is the current state of my affairs.

the house

i have a strong impulse to nest like there's no tomorrow, but this imperative has been completely thwarted by the destruction of our kitchen. that has meant the loss of 2 of the rooms in our house, since we put everything from the kitchen into the dining room, leaving it with about 4 square feet where the fridge is and a corner of the table for assorted dishes and utensils, which must be washed in the upstairs bathroom or basement utility sink. i knew that this would be trying and i was right. the house no longer feels comforting. i can't unwind after work by cooking, i have to eat all prepared food and i worry about inhaling toxic fumes. i think if we had undertaken this project in warmer months, it would not be quite this much of a challenge. at least then i could spend lots of time outside. but as things are, i feel trapped in a house that does not feel remotely homey. working on creating a nursery could be immensely satisfying, but i feel like i can't clear out the 3rd bedroom until there is a place to put the furniture in the basement, which we can't really do until the kitchen project is completed and the basement project is underway. so much to do and i can't get a move on!

food

to complicate things even more, my recent doubts about soy consumption have forced me to reconsider my relationship to food, which took years and years to build up. i feel like i have been doing the vegan thing all wrong. now i wonder if i'll have to start eating rice and beans and lentils and greens all the time even though those are not foods that particularly appeal to me. and i wonder if i'll always have to be so vigilant about what i feed myself and my child or if i can settle into these new updates to my diet comfortably in time. i'm happy to be sharing my body with this little person, but with that comes so much more responsibility and concern.

money

all the money i've been spending on food is driving me nuts. it feels like such a waste. i wish i had friends who lived close by or neighbors that would bring us food or invite us over for meals. thinking about that makes me feel like i have no community. i want to save money for the baby but i just keep spending and spending.

my body

my body is always the last place of comfort, no matter what else is going on, but with my expanding belly has come back pain. sitting up for any stretch of time is horribly uncomfortable. i'm fine when i'm stretching or walking (usually) or lying down. this has made watching movies nearly impossible, playing the piano out of the question and sitting at my desk at work or with a patient seriously challenging. i can only imagine that this is going to get worse. oh, and i know that i'm not supposed to lie on my back, which limits my lying down positions to one side or the other. blech. not to mention that it takes tons of effort to actually roll from one side to the other.

sleep

my insomnia is present usually 3 - 5 times per week. i wake up in the middle of the night for several hours. i try to use the time in meaningful ways, but i wish i could just sleep through the night. i don't want to be reading about birthing from within at 3 in the morning - i would much rather be having nightmares about the kitchen or about giving birth and then completely forgetting about the baby.

ok, i think i've exhausted all of my complaints. looking over my list, it doesn't seem surprising that i am distressed since all of the things that feel under construction are basic needs - food, sleep, shelter, physical wellness. makes it harder to work on self-actualization. i need to go into a different room now. i'm blogging in samara's room since i can't use my computer unless it's plugged in and i can't work at my desk because they power strip must have got knocked out when i blew a fuse the other night. all the pictures of michael jackson are kind of freaking me out. he seems so troubled. i can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like to be him.

soy fears

2011-01-10T19:39:00.003-05:00

had my first semi-unpleasant appointment at the birth center this evening. i did not especially like the midwife we met with and left feeling worried once again about my diet. i have been so vigilant about getting enough protein and calcium, but when i asked about the possibility of consuming too much soy, she was not the least bit reassuring. she said that soy has a lot of estrogen in it, which is why they do not support the use of soy infant formula. she couldn't really give me a sense of how much is too much during pregnancy, nor was she remotely reassuring when i questioned if my high soy intake could have already caused harm to my baby. all she could say was that she really didn't know.

i had expressed a similar concern a while back on the post punk kitchen boards and people seemed to get aggravated, claiming that there is nothing wrong with soy and all the anti-soy propaganda is spread by the dairy industry because soy products cut into their sales.

so i'm feeling very insecure. it has always seemed like the healthiest thing to be vegan and now i am doubting that. i know i need to not be an extremist about this and just take care to eat more variety and depend less on soy for my protein needs. i also need to call the midwife that seems much more knowledgeable about dietary issues and resist looking things up on the internet and freaking myself out.

on top of my soy worries, i'm also worried about all the fumes from our now undone kitchen. the room is sealed off but it smells funny all over the house. i want my little cub to breath clean air and be nourished by wholesome foods. it takes enormous mental discipline to resist my copious fears and self-judgments.

i need to relax. how do i do that? i will consult my anxiety list. this is my advice to me for times like this:

~is there anything messy, unclean or unfinished around you? if so, take care of it now.
~any nagging projects/phone calls? take care of them!
~is there anything bothering you? write about it, talk about it, blog, express it, gain insight, work it out!
~breathing meditation
~journal exactly what I am feeling
~write a letter to myself in response
~throw a basketball around in the gym
~go for an aimless drive and listen to music
~dance
~call rachel, bryn, jill, mom, etc.
~play/snuggle/sleep with cleo
~draw or paint
~clean/organize
~take a bath
~write rachel a letter
~read about art/artists
~take a walk
~stretch or do yoga
~connecting with the ground
~wiccan spells and incantations
~listen to music I like
~read things I’ve written
~cooking/baking
~showering, swimming, washing up
~think about my friends
~read nice things people have written about/to me
~draw or paint
~look at art books
~drink water or tea

ok. i am going to get a big glass of water and not assume it has been contaminated by construction fumes. i am going to draw a bath and play some really nice music. afterward, i'll do some stretches, pick out an art book and flip through it in bed, maybe copy a drawing.

i could also use some reassurance from my readers (real angela? fake angela?) that i have not poisoned my baby with soy.

joycian lyricism

2011-01-09T16:50:00.002-05:00

took a break from registering for newborn necessities to revisit ulysses. last year my emotional energy could be summed up like this: “i’m a bloomite and i glory in it. i believe in him in spite of all. i’d give my life for him, the funniest man on earth.”

here are some gorgeous passages from the text:

“when one reads these strange pages of one long gone one feels that one is at one with one who once….”

“among gumheavy serpentplants, milkoozing fruits, where on the tawny waters leaves lie wide. pain is far.”

“it flows purling, widely flowing, floating foampool, flower unfurling.”

“evening will find itself.”

“one must go first: alone, under the ground: and lie no more in her warm bed.”

“a warm human plumpness settled down on his brain. his brain yielded. perfume of embraces all him assailed. with hungered flesh obscurely, he mutely craved to adore.”

“brightly the keys, all twinkling, linked, all harpsichording, called to a voice to sing the strain of dewy marn, of youth, of love’s leavetaking, life’s, love’s morn.”

“the sighing voice of sorrow sang.”

“she is the bride of darkness, a daughter of night.”

“gazelles are leaping, feeding on the mountains. near are lakes. round their shores file shadows black of cedargroves. aroma rises, a strong hairgrowth of resin. it burns, the orient, a sky of sapphire, cleft by the bronze flight of eagles. under it lies the womancity, nude, white, still, cool, in luxury. a fountain murmurs among damask roses. mammoth roses murmur of scarlet winegrapes. a wine of shame, lust, blood exudes, strangely murmuring”

“theres nothing like a kiss long and hot down to your soul almost paralyses you”

top ten films of 2010

2011-01-01T07:57:00.005-05:00

1) black swan
2) i am love
3) chloe
4) inception
5) shutter island
6) life during wartime
7) winter's bone
8) piranha 3d
9) ghost writer
10) cyrus

i'm not sure i totally believe in my top ten list this year. i'm sure that black swan was my top film of the year. it's brilliant exploration of repression and female embodiment. it's in the tradition of the best polanski and cronenberg films, examining a horrifying and liberating transformation from safety and fear to sexual and emotional freedom that comes at a great cost. everything about this film was a delight.

i am love was a beautiful character study for tilda swinton, full of epic transgressions and bravura.

i don't think chloe was on anyone else's top ten list except for mine, but i stand by it. read my analysis here.

inception and shutter island were both gorgeous blockbusters with entertaining stories and plenty of reality bending. leonardo dicaprio does a great job playing these arrogant guys who are in way over their heads.

life during wartime was a sequel to todd solondz' 1998 film happiness and it renewed my faith in solondz after his last few turkeys. he went much more for pathos than comedy here and it was actually quite moving. the re-castings were genius and the scene with charlotte rampling and ciaran is probably my favorite scene of the year.

winter's bone is on most people's lists this year. it is indeed a really well-crafted, well-acted film about a world i'm glad is one i've never known.

piranha 3d on the other hand, has not been mentioned on any of the critic's lists, but for me it was by far the most entertaining film of the year. i went to it begrudgingly, not feeling well, not especially wanting to see a horror movie, and i wound up laughing for an hour and a half straight. this was some serious campy fun. the underwater opera scene also deserves best scene of the year.

ghost writer was also good fun from the exiled roman polanski. very slick and suspenseful, in his grand tradition of a stranger or foreigner entering a new space and getting swallowed by it.

i just saw cyrus yesterday, so it still has a bit of settling to do, but it was certainly the most surprising film of the year. it's a very genuine portrait of love triangle between a woman, her new lover and her 21-year old son. this could have been an interesting but forgettable drama, but their choice to cast comedy actors john c. reilly and jonah hill really gives the film a textured edge. it's hilarious while also maintaining an emotional integrity (and intensity) - a rare and special achievement.

as for my favorite performances of the year, i have to go with tilda swinton and charlotte rampling. for the men, i give it to christian bale for his turn in the fighter and ewan mcgregor in i love you phillip morris. i thought he was much more impressive than jim carrey.

happy new year!

winter wonderland

2010-12-24T22:01:00.003-05:00

although it feels like i have not been doing much of anything lately - probably because of my massive, never-ending to-do list - i have actually finished all the harry potter books (heil j.k. rowling!), painted samara's furniture and set up everything in her room except for her desk and a floating shelf for her mj dolls, started clearing out the garage, completed all of my work-related obligations like participating in that body image panel and presenting at the conference, got my review of that louise bourgeois film published and even finished the painting that joan commissioned back in the spring:

now it is christmas eve. luca and samara are watching home alone downstairs and i am getting ready to conk out. there is a taste of hint-o-mint newman-o's in my mouth, my back is aching a little from the weight of my rapidly expanding belly and there are plenty of presents under the little tree in the living room. tomorrow i plan on watching more christmas movies, cooking, drinking hot chocolate and enjoying a day of rest and celebration. next year this time my little cub will be 8 months old.

with fingertips of rose

2010-12-24T07:39:00.004-05:00

favorite phrases and passages from the odyssey:

clear lustral water in a bowl quivering with fresh-cut flowers

i'll send you on your way with gifts... so that all your days, tipping the red wine for the deathless gods, you will remember me

here is the flower of life, it seems to me!

a boy whose lip was downy in the first bloom of manhood

by night our ship ran onward toward the ocean's bourne, the realm and region of the men of winter, hidden in mist and cloud

listen with care to this, now, and a god will arm your mind

there is no fighting her, no power can fight her, all that avails is flight

our minds are as the days are, dark or bright

here now again he lay, waiting for dawn, while in the great hall by athena's side, odysseus waited with his mind on slaughter

o lost sad men, what terror is this you suffer? night shrouds you to the knees, your heads, your faces; dry retch of death runs round like fire in sticks; your cheeks are streaming; these fair walls and pedestals are dripping with crimson blood.

the circle of life

2010-12-22T19:41:00.003-05:00

i've had my spider plant for about 2 and a half years now, so i figured if it hadn't sprouted any baby spiders by now it was either a boy plant or not in a fertile way. but then she surprised me a couple months ago and produced these two little things:

i planted them in smaller pots and plan to cut their cords when they are strong enough to continue growing on their own.

here is my little baby spider around 22 weeks along:

harry potter has taken over my life

2010-12-07T10:09:00.001-05:00

i wake up early with the intention of exercising and practicing yoga. i see my kindle tucked away in its little pouch on my night table. i pick it up - "i'll just read a chapter before i exercise..." the next thing you know it's time to get ready for work.

at work my group ends. the studio needs to be cleaned up and i need to write notes. "i'll just read a chapter before i do those things..." then it's time for the next group. rinse and repeat.

in the evening i entertain very productive plans - i'll finish ordering all my christmas presents. i'll clean up all my stuff from the dining room. i'll work on the painting for joan that i told her would be done this month. i'll start clearing out the garage. and yet again, harry potter calls. (unless dexter calls first...)

perhaps i should just resign myself to accomplishing absolutely nothing until i'm finished the series. right now i'm midway through book 6, so this life should come to an end in about a week and a half.

it is happening, again. it is happening, again.

creme fraiche

2010-11-21T05:08:00.003-05:00

tonight's insomnia is brought to you by "i can't find my camera" and "the creme fraiche song from south park is stuck in my head." it's now 5am, still totally dark outside and i have been awake for probably a little over an hour. finally decided to get up and try to read some more of harry potter and the order of the phoenix. i failed in my attempt to read all the books and see all the movies by the time deathly hallows came out in theaters, but i'm hopeful that i can fulfill my amended goal of doing so before the movie leaves theaters.

where oh where has my camera gone? i hope it's at work, but i have this terrible feeling that i may have left it in the car overnight some time last week and got it snatched by one of those car thieves i read about in the mount airy independent. i suppose that makes me a complainant. the last thing i want to do right now is cough up another $400 for a new camera and case. i just have a hard time imagining that it's been at work all this time and i haven't noticed.

"creme fraiche... cafeteria FRAICHE..." oy.

pube campaigns and gay rifles

2010-11-02T22:36:00.004-04:00

my favorite election coverage is by far the liveblogging taking place at wonkette. somehow a republican takeover feels less hopeless, or at least more amusing, when the headline is "change is changing back."

and now, after a long day of walking with lori and coda, having needles injected in my gums and my wisdom tooth drilled, visiting a potential private practice space, voting, buying samara a new bed at ikea, grocery shopping, cooking and assembling my conference presentation, i retire to bed with a little harry potter.

the halloween cat

2010-10-28T21:42:00.000-04:00

my little tribute to cleo:

remember me

2010-10-26T12:37:00.003-04:00

cleo
july 25th, 1990 - october 26th, 2010
beloved cat

work less, live more

2010-10-24T12:16:00.005-04:00

lately i've been feeling particularly resentful that i have to spend so much of my life working for this place called r*nfrew. it's not that i don't like my job, it just feels wrong that in order to support myself, i have to devote nearly half of my waking hours to this one type of thing.

so rather than complain about it, my new mission is to figure out ways to minimize my work while at work. i will still do everything that is required of me plus anything else i want to contribute professionally, but i will be more efficient in my handling of the work, thereby increasing time for other pleasurable activities. here is how i am planning to acheive this goal:

1) only check voicemail and email twice a day - once in the morning, once in the afternoon. and when i check, reply to all messages immediately - don't put them off until later.

2) get done what needs to get done promptly and quickly - clean up after groups, write notes right away and don't let anything pile up on my desk.

3) don't waste time on the internet at work. if i have time to spare, engage in satisfying activities like reading, writing, taking a walk, art, stretching, calling someone, working on personal projects, etc.

i am going to start right now by walking over to the environmental center.

ps. just got back from my walk. didn't make it all the way to the environmental center, but the path to get there was beautiful - snake black trees with sunny leaves. even more exciting though, i was turning back into the driveway as one of the counselors was turning out and i got my first spontaneous "are you pregnant?"!!! that was freaking awesome!

family fun

2010-10-24T08:27:00.001-04:00

after a shift of bagging bean soup mix, raisins, dried cherries and tamari almonds with an architect in the basement of weaver's way coop, i met kristin and family over at linvilla orchards. we ate cider donuts, went on a hayride and sat around a campfire with lots of kids and adults torching marshmellows. october's blood moon loomed high in the sky.

egon schiele lives!

2010-10-20T21:37:00.002-04:00

spent my day off painting lenya's portrait in the style of egon schiele, something we have been wanting to do for the better part of decade.

i'm not sure he would have labored so much over the face and this would definitely be a tamer schiele than many, but i think i did a decent job imitating his style.

biking with b and d

2010-10-17T15:08:00.001-04:00

went for a pleasant ride with danielle and brendan yesterday. don't we look cute in our biking gear?

i just can't believe i am going to be somebody's mother. this makes me overwhelmingly happy.

fantastic reality

2010-10-11T21:14:00.004-04:00

continuing prep work for the bourgeois review. finished reading the collection of her writings and interviews destruction of the father / reconstruction of the father and would have finished the text in LB if i hadn't left it at work. reading essays by lucy lippard and rosalind krauss reminded me of art history classes at oberlin with pat matthews. read the introduction to another volume that critiques her work from a feminist psychoanalytic perspective. that just made me want to read melanie klein and start making references to "part objects" during team meetings.

tomorrow my plan is this: i wake up with a positive attitude. i watch the film again in my pajamas, taking copious notes, transcribing relevant quotes, paying close attention to form and structure and generally formulating an informed opinion about the work. i head out for either a walk, a run or a bike ride, depending on the weather and my mood. i shower and put on clothes that remind me of college. i walk to infusion and write the rough draft of my review. if so inclined, i treat myself to a vegan treats brownie or a bubble tea, if they can make me one without caffeine. by that time luca and samara should be home, so i will surrender to the whims of the evening, putting aside the review for at least a day.

i hope i can make this interesting!

aetna

2010-10-07T22:24:00.003-04:00

today i called hr to inquire about benefits and maternity leave. apparently, since i did not elect short term disability last year, it is unlikely that i will be approved for it this year since my pregnancy would be considered a pre-existing condition. so if there is a reason that you will need to actually use short term disability, they won't give it to you, but if you don't expect that you'll need it, you are likely to be approved. does that sound kind of backward or what? looks like i'll be saving up pto and sick time so i can take a reasonable maternity leave in the spring. no christmas break for me this year. :(

when i learn to live serenely

2010-10-01T04:10:00.005-04:00

since i have developed a recent terror of storms - specifically, a fear that gusty winds will cause the dead sycamore in front of our house to come crashing down either on the house itself and into our bed or on my car - i have of course been unable to sleep since about 2 this morning. i am probably instilling a phobia of storms into my unborn child as i type this. finally got up to check the weather and read more about louise bourgeois when i found two lovely little emails from bryn with audio recordings!

the recording i have been trying to post for several hours now was the song we used to sing at the end of every day at new england music camp. peace of the river... maybe i'll sing that to little smoky at night time. the other fear i'm probably energetically transmitting is that of looking forward to so many things that i'm afraid i won't get to experience.

from the hills i gather courage
visions of the days to be
strength to lead and faith to follow
all are given unto me

doing, undoing, redoing

2010-09-30T20:19:00.004-04:00

been reading about louise bourgeois in preparation for writing my review of the spider, the mistress and the tangerine. a fascinating woman. i don't always understand her work, but i am beginning to understand where it was coming from. i think i will focus my review on the idea of art as souvenir, rather than metaphor, re-creation rather than symbolism.

even with my energies focused on one thing, now that the haverford workshop and arcadia exhibit have passed and the portrait of joan's daughter gets perpetually bumped back, the reading is hard-going. read 100 pages of her writings last night, plus a wonderful book called runaway girl, which was more or less a storybook about her life. tonight i was aiming for another hundred, but i was starting to lose focus and tricking myself into being productive by reading from back to front and putting lots of bookmarks in the pages. i think i might call it quits for the evening.

photo by robert maplethorpe

high on the heavens you soar

2010-09-25T08:14:00.003-04:00

luca's concert is tonight! and then dexter premiere tomorrow night!
much to do in the waiting.

my priorities for today are as follows:

1) clean up the kitchen
2) go through mail and junk in the dining room
3) pick up luca's suit from the cleaners and get money from bank
4) pre-natal yoga
5) work on samara's room
6) tidy up for parental visit

painting, movie reviewing, getting books from the library and reading harry potter will have to wait.

here's to a full house tonight!

weekend at brynny's

2010-09-04T12:23:00.003-04:00

it's all about growing older with bryn. even when i have a full body rash.

coda: hamsterdam

2010-08-18T13:30:00.004-04:00

tummy troubles plus the impending 4:30am alarm clock made for a restless last night in prague. our taxi came to get us at 5:15 and we wanted to swing by the charles bridge to see if the crowds had cleared at that hour. there were still a few lovebirds on the bridge, but mostly it was all the eeriness that kafka described:

"people walking across the dark bridges pass by the dimly lit saints. clouds moving through the grey sky pass over the churches with their sombre towers. someone leaning on a wall hands resting on the old stones gazes into the evening water."

read more of the trial at the airport and napped, and then... hamsterdam! very different from prague. more urban, sprawling, bustling. city of bikes and waterways.

felt thoroughly disgusting by the time we got there and had to wait 45 minutes in the uber-chic lobby before our room was ready.

then it was off to the van gogh museum and the anne frank house. fascinating that the two most popular attractions in the city arose from people who were anonymous in their time. they would be so shocked that people were lined up around the block to pay homage to their stories and their contributions. it makes sense why so many people identify with them. good people who worked and struggled and had faith and saw beauty in the world. there was an especially moving video of otto frank talking about his reaction to first reading anne's diary. he said, "as parents we do not really know our children."

after these phenomenal exhibits, it felt pointless to go over to the red light district. anne frank was hiding in an attic, unable to even look out of the window during daylight hours. why would we go and look at women for sale in windows just a few blocks away?

so back to our swanky hotel for another sleepless night, and finally, our return voyage!

bonus pics of pot dogs at the philadelphia airport:

day 7: czeching out

2010-08-18T08:48:00.008-04:00

woke up early, got breakfast, went back to sleep. on our way over to the john lennon wall, we stumbled upon the set of a bollywood film that was shooting in prague. we watched a scene of a girl getting on a motorcycle with a guy. i snapped this picture of the actress, nargis fakhri, who is apparently a famous model. the film is rockstar, directed by imtiaz ali and starring heartthrob ranbir kapoor.

then more pictures at the peace wall:

it was a hot and sunny day in prague. we took the funicular up to the top of petrin hill and walked through the gardens and orchards. i snacked on apples and cherries from the trees:

there seemed to be ten times as many people swarming around back in the city proper. we got lunch at a little health food store and restaurant called country life, then went back to the hotel. i had been hoping to make a trip to their little riverside beach, but time was short and truth be told, our bodies were about ready to give out from all the walking.

one final stroll through old town square, one final dinner at maitrea and a beautiful clear night with dramatic skylines:

day 6: cesky krumlov

2010-08-17T09:37:00.005-04:00

woke up extremely early to make the bus to cesky krumlov. the ride over there was uninteresting - no scenic views of the country side, just flat dull expanses of green. it was more interesting to watch cate blanchett playing elizabeth on the little screen a few rows up.

LOVED the town. i actually wish we had stayed over a few nights, rather than limiting ourselves to a brief afternoon. it was much smaller than prague, less opulent and less run-down at the same time. beautiful, well-maintained buildings, galleries, shops, cute little restaurants with terraces, people rafting down the river, amazing views of a fairy-tale castle and an egon schiele museum! actually, the schiele museum didn't have a whole lot of schiele's, but it was still moving to learn about his life. my image of him as a rebel bad boy was challenged as i discovered how encouraged he had always been in his art, how his uncle became his guardian after his father died at a young age, how klimt was his "spiritual father" and how schiele drew him on his deathbed and took over as organizer of a big art show in vienna that klimt had been working toward. schiele died shortly after the successful exhibition from spanish flu, following on the heels of his pregnant wife. so much tragedy and support in his short life! and i always thought of his imprisonment for making "dirty drawings" was like a badge of honor, but apparently he was shocked and disheartened by the experience.

i was also delighted by the large exhibit of work by alois mitter, co-founder of the schiele centrum. his art is wild, playful, spontaneous and psychologically complex.

after the museum, we walked around the town taking pictures and trying to decide where to have lunch.

day 5: kafka's prague

2010-08-17T07:18:00.005-04:00

slept late from our exhausting experience the day before, then walked to the other side of town. the weather was beautiful. got lunch at a sweet little hare krishna place near the castle, and headed toward the kafka museum.

it was an unusual exhibit, though not nearly as unusual as kafka's writing. (the trial is totally insane!) there were photos in little streams of water on the ground, phones that you pick up and hear some authoritarian voice in german, hypnotizing films and displays that gave information about his family, relationship to the city of prague, his lovers and his work. after we left, luca wanted to browse the shakespeare bookstore again, so i sat in a comfy chair downstairs and dug in a little deeper to kafka's world of unease.

decided to forego our pilgrimage to petrin hill, since i wasn't feeling very well and instead rested at the hotel until it was dinner time again.

day 4: this is the museum that never ends

2010-08-16T14:21:00.007-04:00

well, this day was a bit marred by an unfortunate email i received in the morning, which turned out to be nothing more than a practical joke, but nonetheless put a dark cloud over my mind. it didn't help that prague had an actual dark cloud over it either, making for a cold, damp excursion to veletrzni palace, a ginormous contemporary art museum just outside of the city. we had to take the metro to get there, which was a most nauseating experience. the trains run way way underground, so to get to them you have to descend into the abyss of prague by way of the longest, steepest, fastest escalator you could ever imagine. and to make matters worse, all of the would-be vertical lines, like the seems of the metal railing and posters lining the walls, were actually aligned with the slope of the steps, thus making it feel like you were dropping straight down. this also added the humorous effect of making it look like people riding upward were leaning back and those going down were leaning forward. luca tried to emulate this technique, thinking it might help with the nausea, but it was only an optical illusion he was mimicking. how cute is that?

anyway, we were not prepared for veletrzni palace, despite the fact that luca's lonely planet app stated very clearly that it would take about an hour just to jog through it. it had 6 neverending floors of extraordinary art. their massive collection included the most staggering range of visual styles i have ever seen exhibited in one place. there were some klimt's, schiele's, munch's, warhol's, beuys' and picasso's, even an alfred kubin drawing (!), but mostly just dozens of incredible artists i had never heard of before. we were determined to see every painting, sculpture, drawing and art object in the place, so we took water and larabar breaks between floors to re-fuel. here is a small sampling of what we saw:

the last three are by toyen, a czech surrealist artist i took an immediate liking to. her school was "artificialism" and she painted what she referred to as "irrational objects." i will have to do a bit more research on her.

we ducked into a little cafe on the way to the metro since it was raining and we had no umbrella. luca got a beer and i just kind of shivered. once back to the hotel, i read some more of the trial then ruminated about wanting to murder lauren while luca rested. en route to the restaurant my pride got us dreadfully lost, so we arrived freezing cold, 15 minutes late for our reservation and in a foul mood. the beautiful zen space of maitrea helped a lot. dinner was wonderful and i felt much better after eating. got an umbrella on the way home and walked through old town square arm in arm, feeling a little homesick. camomile tea awaited.

day 3: the castle

2010-08-16T06:54:00.008-04:00

missed our wake-up for a potential excursion to cesky krumlov and the egon schiele museum, so we decided to make it a castle day. took a long walk to the other side of the river and up a million stairs to the castle complex, where hordes of tourists were gathered.

we again followed the frommer recommended tour, which was very helpful in a rather confusing layout of buildings and landmarks. most memorable, of course, was st. vitus cathedral, where we saw mucha's extraordinary stained glass window:

we also climbed to the top of the tower to check out the majestic views (287 stairs!):

wandered back down through vinyards and gardens, by chance discovering this mystery wall, embedded with all sorts of creepy crawlies:

stopped by the shakespeare bookshop, then crossed back over the charles bridge and to the hotel for a hearty nap.

dinner at clear head for the first really healthy meal of our trip, and back again to the hotel, where we watched naomi campbell in court and borat in german.

day 2: mucha and the jews

2010-08-15T05:58:00.007-04:00

following our breakfast buffet at the hotel, luca and i headed over to the mucha museum:

it was a small collection of both his illustrations and oil paintings, full of biographical and historical information pertaining to the work. we watched a well-done documentary about his life, intrigued to learn that he was a high-ranking freemason. there certainly did seem to be a lot of esoteric symbolism in his art. it is decorative, but with deep connections to nature, mysterious forces and hidden influences. often he'll depict a figure with a larger, more archetypal figure behind them, creating a sense of both nationalism and pagan mysticism. here is an example of what i'm talking about, though the photo is not very good:

here is princess hyacinth (not my photo):

also learned about how he became famous overnight when he did a poster for a sarah bernhardt production, and how her legacy lives on not because of her own talents, but because of mucha's depictions of her.

question: where is mucha's slav epic now?
answer: at the chateau in moravsky krumlov in southern moravia.
question: why didn't i look that up before we left the czech republic?
answer: blech.

then we checked out the municipal building, which was also full of art nouveau splendor:

walked through old town square before beginning the frommer recommended walk through the jewish section of prague, noting a couple of kafka monuments along the way:

i learned a lot more about the history of jewish people in europe and was moved by the cemetery and the spanish synagogue.

had dinner at an indian restaurant with outdoor seating in a quieter part of old town, then walked back over to the charles bridge, which was unpleasantly crowded. made the mistake of buying tickets to an organ concert at st. francis church - "lots of syrup," as luca says. "hella boring" says zoe.

day 1: czeching in

2010-08-14T05:18:00.014-04:00

the keeper our our belongings and beasts, wearing a tank top with the words "good to the last lick" scrawled across the chest:

my mind was racing with worries as we made our way to the airport. what if she crashes my car? what if something goes wrong on the plane? will we really ever get to prague and back safely? is worrying very bad for my health?

on the plane i tried to practice self-soothing techniques - deep breathing, countering or quieting all negative thoughts, focusing on sensations, listing things in my mind that make me happy - all to very little effect.

so instead i submitted to the gods of commercial distraction, walling off anxiety in a cocoon of trashy movies, crossword puzzles, suduko and skinny bitches. that worked a little better. interestingly, following our layover in munich, i felt much less nervous about the 2nd flight. i attribute this to the different approach taken by the europeans that seems to assume that you will know what to do when its time to board the plane and do not need to be instructed like a child about rules and procedures. this made me feel like i was in good hands and not being treated like an infant with a bomb in my diaper.

after being welcomed with a sign bearing our names, luca and i were transported in a speedy, winding race through traffic to the lovely city of prague:

we arrived at the hotel elite, which stood on a quiet cobblestone street, which would have been very charming but there was massive construction being done in the area:

we bathed and promptly passed out. in the evening, we walked by the water over to the charles bridge, snapping photos of especially beautiful buildings along the way:

then looked for a restaurant using luca's vegout iphone app. had our first dinner at klub architektu.

happiness

2010-08-03T12:03:00.002-04:00

kerouac's list of essentials

2010-07-25T19:45:00.001-04:00

1. Scribbled secret notebooks, and wild typewritten pages, for yr own joy
2. Submissive to everything, open, listening
3. Try never get drunk outside yr own house
4. Be in love with yr life
5. Something that you feel will find its own form
6. Be crazy dumbsaint of the mind
7. Blow as deep as you want to blow
8. Write what you want bottomless from bottom of the mind
9. The unspeakable visions of the individual
10. No time for poetry but exactly what is
11. Visionary tics shivering in the chest
12. In tranced fixation dreaming upon object before you
13. Remove literary, grammatical and syntactical inhibition
14. Like Proust be an old teahead of time
15. Telling the true story of the world in interior monolog
16. The jewel center of interest is the eye within the eye
17. Write in recollection and amazement for yourself
18. Work from pithy middle eye out, swimming in language sea
19. Accept loss forever
20. Believe in the holy contour of life
21. Struggle to sketch the flow that already exists intact in mind
22. Don't think of words when you stop but to see picture better
23. Keep track of every day the date emblazoned in yr morning
24. No fear or shame in the dignity of yr experience, language & knowledge
25. Write for the world to read and see yr exact pictures of it
26. Bookmovie is the movie in words, the visual American form
27. In praise of Character in the Bleak inhuman Loneliness
28. Composing wild, undisciplined, pure, coming in from under, crazier the better
29. You're a Genius all the time
30. Writer-Director of Earthly movies Sponsored & Angeled in Heaven

everybody loves cleo

2010-07-25T19:28:00.008-04:00

today is cleo's 20th birthday. happy birthday cleo! it's ok that you no longer groom yourself and that you get your leg caught on vines from time to time.

everybody loves you!

luca, while you are not safe i am not safe

2010-07-08T22:57:00.001-04:00

my evening, in the style of an allen ginsberg poem:

i lay heavy and overheated, beached on green couches, stained with nostalgia, desperate, aching, while luca drove to wynnewood adorned in african hues, hair locked and fingers elegant, moving toward tennis matches played fiercely by women in flesh-colored underwear.

internet connection - lost! phone connection - lost! air conditioning - lost! scrolling through unwanted names in cell phones, sticky flesh in search of suburban memories, plastic blow-up neighbors, cartoon whales in chlorinated cesspools of summer, barefoot paths across black tar driveways, eating sandwiches in artificial air, mind-raped by sitcoms and neglect.

crawling through a window of infernal humidity to the past, to the present, through the potholes on lincoln drive, past the shops where main line shrews repair their shackles of gold and silk and shit, blazing resentment for manipulated desires, scavenging zip-locked packages of environmentally friendly food products.

an old man at the bookstore in search of holy girls, interrogating anorexic baristas who apologize for spilled milk, for dropped keys, for taking up any space at all, reading ginsberg and glossy magazines between gulps of decaffeinated poison, until i descend once again to the urban garden of unweeded concrete and yowling kitchen cats, until my lanky lover returns.

the 31st year: highlights

2010-06-24T22:19:00.005-04:00

i am blogging on the eve of my 31st birthday. i had grand hopes for this year. i thought by now i would be doing 30 consecutive push-ups and celebrating a year of daily flossing. as james ballard says at the end of crash, 'maybe the next one...' but despite my less than stellar record of body building and dental hygiene, this has been a rather charmed year. i like to think that i payed my dues to the gods of depression and self-loathing early on and now have been released into a wider world of manic enthusiasm for just about everything. sometimes i'm driving to work and i'll think of an expression that prince made in under the cherry moon or the fact that david lynch exists and i feel like i could beam myself to the moon with happiness. here are my top ten highlights from my 31st year on the planet, with links to related musings:

10) sarah silverman gave me a great deal of pleasure this year. read all about it in my personal essay why i am psychologically wired to love the sarah silverman program. great job, sarah! the "just breve" episode was brilliant and i have taken your "make it a treat" philosophy to heart.

9) new art, new music, new films i didn't make a whole lot of major breakthroughs in my art history education this year, but there were four biggies that i discovered: caspar david friedrich, evelyn williams, alphonse mucha and sol lewitt. there was also a red-headed patient who i would name if i could and sing her praises.

in music i launched my obsession with charlotte gainsbourg into a full-on exploration of french pop music, including the incomparable francoise hardy.

on the film front, i saw the following masterpieces: satantango (behold my cinematic endurance!), anti-christ (loved this with every ounce of my soul), mister lonely (a rare gem unlike anything i've seen before), martyrs (i watched this beast on august 3rd of last year and have thought about it every single day since; if i am ready, i will write about it on the anniversary of my viewing), before sunset (the biggest, most wonderful surprise of all), the ballad of narayama, the beaches of agnes (i love you agnes varda, my hero!), king kong (classic) and last, least, latest... the girl with the dragon tattoo (lisbeth salander is my girlfriend).

8) professional visibility i generally avoid blogging about my professional life, but it has taken off this year. a successful art show at the jcc, multiple presentations that rocked like cyndi pinziki and some unforgettable art therapy sessions.

7) reading amelie nothomb besides james joyce, she was my literary love this year. read her.

6) plein air painting got over my self-consciousness about landscape painting while not an old lady and painted this homage to the magick of forbidden drive. heat, the smell of oil paints of turpenoid, communing with the rafters of the thomas mill bridge, yes.

5) our spread in philadelphia brides magazine from secret glances to oaths before the fates, my marriage to luca was so beautiful that they put us in a magazine!

4) mj this year's soundtrack may have had francophilic overtones, but the real musical soul of this year was none other than michael jackson, who died on my 30th birthday. for me, my love of michael jackson and my devotion to samara are inextricable. they have been the joy of my life for the past 12 months. mj - you live on in a surreal dream saga conjured up by the unconscious of a 13-year-old girl. and i am the only one who knows about it!

3) new house elfant wissahickon, mt. airy, heart shaped leaves around a stony arch, faux finishing, setting up luca's library, making a home. this is what i was born to do.

2) bloomsday not only did i complete the ulysses course at the rosenbach, but i actually read at bloomsday this year. here is a picture that one of my classmates took of me at the podium. i'm probably saying something like "wildly i lay on her kissed her: eyes, her lips, her stretched neck beating, woman's breasts full in her blouse of nun's veiling...":

1) sitting with marina abramovic one of the most perfect moments of my life so far.

re-joyce

2010-06-16T22:52:00.006-04:00

yesterday was magical. i'm not saying it couldn't have been more magical had it been outside the rosenbach museum (not a drop of rain!), but my first ulysses marathon reading was a successful, soul-nourishing experience. stand-out readers included book collector james bryce warden, who brought stephen's lyrical meanderings to life, kristen bronzina, whose reading of milly's letter to her papli was pitch-perfect, citizen al hirsig's wonderful handling of martha's letter to m. henry flower, philadelphia magazine's carol saline's incredible, hilarious interpretation of several passages from aeolus, michelle johnson's beautiful singing of "the last rose of summer" and "love's old sweet song," mayor nutter's "what? any god's quantity of cocked hats and boleros and trunkhose. what?", actor michael toner's spirited performance from cyclops, and of course blind poets david and daniel simpson's time-altering missives from the end of ithaca and drucie mcdaniel's mesmerizing, devastating soliloquy. see for yourself:

bonus picture of mayor nutter:

happy bloomsday!

2010-06-16T06:48:00.002-04:00

today, your humble webmistress, mrs. zoe p. brasi, will be attending the bloomsday celebration in philadelphia having actually read ulysses! not only that, but she will be reading a thoroughly sensuous passage from the chapter known as lestrygonians where poldy is remembering kissing molly under the wild ferns. when i read luca the passage i had chosen, he wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "i can't wait to hear you say the word nipples in public!" unfortunately, the festivities have been moved indoors to the trinity center for urban life at 22nd and spruce instead of the usual open air readings on delancey street. i had so been looking forward to saying "ravished over her i lay, full lips full open, kissed her mouth" en plein air. such is life. anyway, i don't think anyone will be remotely aware of where they are after hearing drucie mcdaniel do her thing. (i was hoping to post a nice picture of her, but when i googled her all i found were pictures of winona ryder and angelina jolie. i know she was in girl, interrupted, but come on... i will be sure to remedy this situation tonight.) so call in sick to work, grab your gabler edition of ulysses, head over to the trinity center and immerse yourself in the rich wonders of leopold and molly bloom, stephen dedalus, dr. malachi mulligan, gerty macdowell and other dublin citizens on this june 16th 106 years ago!

then go home and tune into wbai on the internet to hear even more!

happy bloomsday to one and all!

the gingerbread house

2010-06-14T23:38:00.005-04:00

a couple weeks ago when i was in brooklyn, i was scoping out the real estate listings along 7th avenue. one listing stood out above all the others - a 6 bedroom mansion in bay ridge, referred to as "the gingerbread house," with an asking price of $12 million. i was immediately drawn to the photos, which depicted a strange, fantastical stone house with a wavy roof that did in fact look like something out of a fairy tale:

just now got around to digging up some info. the house is located at 8220 narrows avenue between 82nd and 83rd street in brooklyn. it's official name is the "howard e. and jessie jones house" and it was built in 1917 by the arts and crafts architect j. sarsfield kennedy. the current owner, jerry fishman, bought it in 1985 at an estimated price of $550,000. he went to school across the street from the house and dreamed about owning it since he was a little boy. in an interview, fishman said, "i had to have the house. i flunked english because i was looking [out the school window] at the house all the time." sounds like my kind of guy. he's selling in order to move to florida to be closer to his family.

i had never heard of "arts and crafts architecture," so i did a bit of googling, as the kids say. it was a movement that seemed to hold as its main tenets a love of nature, craftsmanship and simplicity. it was not merely a style of design, but a philosophical stance articulated by the likes of emerson, whitman, charles elliot norton, william morris, thomas carlyle and john ruskin. it was totally against industrialized culture:

"...machine-made goods were thought to be inferior in beauty. To the Arts & Crafts philosopher, art and utility would give meaning to life if they could be wedded in a process that required imagination, creativity and personal responsibility. They thought mass production lowered the standards of design, workmanship and working conditions for the craftsmen and minimized their contribution to the finished product. Industry polluted and defaced the natural landscape thus reducing the quality of life for all, yet profits from the factory system went only to improve the quality of life of the factory owner."

in philadelphia, the quaker architect william lightfoot price constructed an entire community based on the principles of the arts and crafts movement called "rose valley." now it is a museum and historical society, but i can't seem to find visitor information on the website. one of his buildings in the commune, known as the house of the democrat, is said to be one of the most important buildings of the movement:

william morris says, “have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” word.

so, anyone wanna spot me 12 million dollars?

vacay with mom: day 3

2010-06-10T10:26:00.003-04:00

today my mom got on my nerves so i spent the afternoon with samantha bee from the daily show instead. we hung out in bryant part, went shopping at anthropologie, had dinner in the east village and then i delivered her baby!

vacay with mom: day 2

2010-06-10T10:14:00.015-04:00

we had intended to visit ellis island on tuesday, but somehow that never panned out. regardless, m and i spent a leisurely day in new jersey and a spectacular evening on new york city's art mile.

in the morning we went to see aly on her last day of pre-school. they sang songs and received "awards" for their contributions to the class. she was adorable, as always:

aly and her best friend:

i managed to snap this shot as aly spotted a large bug in the window. a face that james stewart could have studied:

here's a bonus picture of luca with aly on mother's day:

near the end of the little celebration at aly's school, m got a call notifying her that the garage door had been left open and the police had been alerted to the sound of the alarm. sigh.

later, dad joined us for a visit to the met. we headed straight up to the roof to see doug and mike starn's "big bambu" installation. it was a happening place to be. the artists conceived of a giant wave-like structure made entirely of bamboo that is continually growing and evolving, courtesy of a team of rock-climbers who could be spotted cutting, binding and building high up in the brambles. some visitors who got tickets in advance were guided up into the various pathways and foot-bridges of the structure, but most of us hung around its base, reveling in the astounding views of new york, stroking the smooth surface of the bamboo poles and chattering about our associations to the piece. dad thought it resembled the neuronal structures of the brain. i thought it looked like a giant jungle gym. mom thought it looked like a sukkah and felt strongly that the final stage of its construction should be the hanging of fruit.

then we went back downstairs to check out the large colorful paintings that caught my eye as we were getting into the elevator. turns out they were paintings by australian aboriginal artists. they are bold and abstract, but i got the sense that all of them were making visual references to the landscape and the practices and beliefs of their culture. the designs were absolutely striking and harmonious:

learn more about the australian aboriginal art movement here.

after that, m went to see the "american woman" fashion exhibit and d and i explored the african art. we saw...

elegant shapes:

sculptural textiles:

slit gongs, instruments used in iatmul ceremonial rites:

this "kongo power figure" i had actually seen before in a slide presentation by kathryn zerbe. she talked about how nails would be hammered into the figure as a kind of displacement or sublimation of guilt. the figure would carry the weight of all the sins and transgressions carried out by individuals, thereby restoring order in the community as a whole. the description in the museum was a little different, but along similar lines. it said, "the various metals embedded in the torso attest to its central role as witness and enforcer of affairs critical to its community. they document vows sealed, treatises signed, and efforts to eradicate evil."

finally, we made our way over to the picasso exhibit. i guess it shouldn't come as a surprise, considering that the met has the second largest collection of picassos in the world, but it made the philadelphia picasso exhibit look downright pitiful. to be fair, the salon cubism was extraordinary, but the depth of actual works by picasso was sadly limited. the met, on the other hand, offered a truly staggering retrospective.

i got to see this enigmatic portrait from his blue period:

his portrait of gertrude stein that i read about a few years ago in the autobiography of alice b. toklas, that is amazing in its original presence. didn't he make her look like himself?

these diverse images:

and finally... picasso porn!!! these are my favorites! hundreds of intaglio prints created when he was 87 known as the 347 suite.

see the nice people looking at the nice pictures?

it's porn!!!

god i love picasso. i love the way he draws genitals. so matter of fact. almost cartoon-like organs that look like sea creatures, comically commanding, shamelessly, innocently bewitching:

"i spend hour after hour while i draw, observing my creatures and thinking about the mad things they're up to; basically it's my way of writing fiction."

on the way out of the museum, i fell in love with this painting called "springtime" by pierre-august cot. he has painted what it feels like to be in love. you can almost feel the electricity of flesh touching flesh, the fertile earth smell, the sense of nothing else existing beyond the gaze of the beloved...

when we left the met, the art mile was in full swing:

there was music, street performers, vendors and everyone was drawing on the pavement with chalk. my addition:

we re-fueled at a diner, then waited on a line that wrapped around the block to get into the guggenheim:

winding around the "haunted" exhibit at full speed, i felt like the characters from that godard film where they run through the louvre. it was invigorating. also got to see some "suprematist" paintings by malevich. you can feel the power in them.

i'm kicking myself for not realizing that the neue gallery was open for this annual event (otto dix!), but i did get to see a beautiful sunset over the reservoir in central park:

another successful day off!

les grossman revival!

2010-06-09T20:53:00.003-04:00

tom cruise's hilarious hip-hop dancing, fowl-mouthed studio exec from tropic thunder is getting his own movie! seeing him bust moves to flo rida on the big screen was one of the funniest things i've seen in a theater and now it's going to be a feature!

here he is performing with hennifer lopez at the mtv movie awards:

plaaaaaya!!!!

vacay with mom: day 1

2010-06-09T09:11:00.008-04:00

before embarking on this uncharted journey of spending several days together, my mom and i discussed our goals. she expressed a desire to not get on my nerves. i shared my intention to be more patient. so with complementary objectives, we headed out to point pleasant on monday. actually, we headed out three times. the first time, we realized that we forgot to bring towels. so we turned around and i ran in to grab some. then we made it a few blocks before my mom got concerned that she forgot to close the garage door. so we turned around again, but all was safe and sound.

spending time at the beach with my mom is the best thing to do. it brings out the child in her and her thoroughly bewildering choice of attire is an endless source of amusement:

a nice ruckenfigur shot on drisden beach, where she visited as a little girl:

here's some pictures she took of me:

i like that you can see the roller coaster with the colorful flags in the background:

then my mom went into hysterics because the lifeguard was busy making out with his girlfriend behind the rescue boat instead of guarding the beach. in her world of 11 hour workdays and consummate professionalism, she could not understand how he thought it was ok to be fooling around like that on the job. so of course she started snapping photos of them on her iphone:

she seems very amused with herself, no?

then we headed over to marlboro to visit nanny at sunrise. we met several of her gentleman friends and spent half an hour relaxing in her room:

always dolls on the bed, always:

one of her many witty embroideries:

a photo from my bat mitzvah:

mommy now and mommy then:

later i went shopping in m's closet, selected an outfit for our dinner at pure food and wine and lined my eyes in black. i was feeling very stylish and happy:

felice and craig at our table in the garden:

mom seems to now associate picture taking with kissing. i lift the camera, she goes in for a smooch:

look for a review in the coming days over at only weggebobbles and fruit!

mucho mucha

2010-06-08T23:19:00.004-04:00

ever since i was in high school, i have always paired people with the artist i think would best portray them. young molly would be painted by tamara de lempicka, my dad by sidney goodman, felice by lichtenstein, etc. i never picked an artist for me though. someone once told me i would be a manet, which slightly offended me. now i know who i want to paint me: ALPHONSE MUCHA, founder of the art deco movement! i know it's a surprising choice for a 21st century feminist, but i really want to be a "sensuous yet ethereal maiden... caught in whorls of unloosed tresses, flowing gowns and floral arabesques." i do i do!!

my parents saw mucha's work on their recent trip to prague. here are some pictures of his staggeringly glorious stained glass windows at st. vitus cathedral. i NEED to go there.

a couple summers ago i was spotted in prague. pictures were taken and dedicated in kind. i'm sure it was me, i'm sure i was there.

vacay with mom: warm-up

2010-06-08T22:50:00.006-04:00

on sunday after grandma anne's unveiling and cemetery visits, i went with the parents to the cloisters, a rather strange collection of medieval religious art in upper manhattan, assembled by john d. rockefeller in 1938.

dad contemplating the romanesque arches in the courtyard:

interplay of dark and light:

honeycomb windows that i so love ever since i saw secret of the beehive:

(wouldn't they look even lovelier in yellow?!)

really disturbing sculpture of mary holding a post-crucifixion christ:

a really cool, practically photo-realistic painting from 15th century netherlands depicting the angel gabriel about to tell mary she is pregnant!

beautiful mary magdalene:

coming from the vegetarian

2010-06-08T11:10:00.002-04:00

i have decided that my blog is too haphazard. i am beyond honored that angela blue reads it every day, but it would be nice if other internet users read it as well. therefore, i am moving all of my restaurant reviews to another blog, which i am calling "only weggebobbles and fruit: vegan restaurant reviews from philly and beyond..." i am hoping to build a moderate base of local and visiting vegans who will find the new format accessible and unencumbered by my obsession with marina abramovic, absurd top ten lists, updates on my progress in the house or love letters to my anxiety. so without further ado: only weggebobbles and fruit.

it's time

2010-05-31T19:48:00.008-04:00

dear blog,

on the day that marina abramovic concluded her epic performance at the moma, on the day that louise bourgeois died, on the day that may in fact be cleo's last, i will finish my persona drawing. it is 7:49pm. no matter how long it takes, i will finish it and post a picture when i am done.

sincerely,
zoe

ps. i don't think it's done, but for the life of me i can't seem to make liv ullmann not look possessed.

control: r, click

2010-05-31T14:24:00.003-04:00

i should be at the moma today. marina's last day, people sleeping on the street for one last chance at sitting with her, and i am blogging at work. my lame-ass dell computer can't even pick up the streaming video, so i went home at lunch time to make luca a daiya grilled cheese in the sandwich maker and compulsively refresh the live feed. at 5 she'll be done and everyone will applaud and i won't be there to see if she bows or collapses or what. at least i had the good sense to email nina over at a flower every day, who invited me to submit 75 words about my experience of sitting with marina, to be included in a collective gift that paco will present to her. this was the best i could do:

so nervous to sit across from you. i didn't know what i would feel. you lifted your head to make eye contact. i was startled by the kindness i felt from you. you were so encouraging. i was amazed by the task you had devoted yourself to and felt so lucky to be there. you gave your time to me. what an incredible gift. you are a healer, marina, and you have touched me deeply.

concrete jungle where dreams are made of

2010-05-30T10:03:00.005-04:00

yep, zoe spent a splendiferous day in new york yesterday. we arrived just as the rain had cleared and i made my way to sun in bloom, a relatively new organic vegan place on bergen street (review to come!). while luca got his locks groomed, i drank brazil nut milk and read the last 15% of the girl with the dragon tattoo on his kindle. i love reading on a kindle! the only unfortunate thing is that onlookers cannot see what you are reading and make assumptions about you. i really enjoyed the first installment of stieg larsson's trilogy. i kept wanting to be closer to the story though. like his prose wasn't enough. even with great images of lisbeth salander and mikael blomkvist from the film in my head, i still wanted more. i kind of wanted to eat the book. or make out with it. maybe that's how people feel when they read detective novels? i'm not sure. i just can't wait to read the trial scene in the third book.

took a stroll up to the community bookstore where i came across this adorable beast, then met up with luca to check out the african festival at bam. we perused the vendors' goods for an hour or so (hardly any batiks this year!), and got our tickets to dance africa. i had thought this was going to be a street performance, but it turns out it was a huge extravaganza on the main stage and good seats cost over $40. all in all, i'd say it was worth it, if only for the last troupe illstyle & peace productions. they are a philly-based collective and they totally brought the house down. the group was comprised of a dozen some able-bodied young men with funky style, grace, intense athleticism and mind-boggling endurance. one guy during his solo actually walked up and down the steps to the stage on his hands. another guy slid across the floor on his head! the original dance africa dancers sitting in the front row were going crazy for them. the show ended with message of love and peace for everybody. "ago? ame!"

art by ramona candy

the next step was one of those killer maple lattes from gorilla coffee and a drive up to the west village. a wonderful, nostalgic dinner at red bamboo (review to come!), an hour of people watching in washington square park and over to the ifc to check out "the human centipede." one of the things i love about visiting new york city is keeping an eye for spotting familiar faces. like when luca and i saw cinemaniacs back in the day, we went to movies with a mission of encountering one of those lunatics in person. and we did! we saw roberta at film forum and bill at a fassbinder festival at bam. sometimes when i'm in the city i look for former patients. yesterday it was all about spotting those abramovic sitters whose faces i have been studying for days. and who walks into our tiny theater but andres serrano!

i kept glancing over at him during the screening, fascinated that his expression did not change one iota as we watched scenes of people being surgically connected from mouth to anus. i guess it shouldn't be too surprising, given his body of work, that he's nonplussed by bodily fluids in unusual combinations. still, i found some scenes pretty high up on the grody-meter. unfortunately, the film as a whole was schlocky and unpleasant. i don't think the centipede was a metaphor for anything - just a juvenile attempt at gross-out humor. the scientist was so one-dimensional he made dr. phibes look like hamlet. but it was fun nonetheless. such a beautiful night outside cinema walls. on the way home i fell asleep listening to jim norton read ulysses and finally, opened the car door to the scent of roses in the midnight air.

on being a part of art history

2010-05-27T07:53:00.003-04:00

photographer marco anelli has been taking portraits of everyone who sits with marina abramovic at the moma. it is a really beautiful body of work that complements marina's piece very well. underneath each person's face it says how long they sat for. here's my portrait:

also, if you're looking to kill a few good hours, scroll through the portraits with an eye for celebrity spotting! you'll be sure to find bjork, marissa tomei, isabelle huppert, lou reed, isabella rossellini, james franco and many more. kim cattrall was there the morning i went.

samara becomes a bat mitzvah

2010-05-23T10:26:00.004-04:00

doesn't she look fabulous carrying a torah?!

samara goes to the apple store immediately following reception to buy an ipad:

the sun shines for me today

2010-05-20T20:22:00.006-04:00

yesterday i made my pilgrimage to new york and sat across from marina abramovic. on the bus ride home i finished ulysses. i'd say it was a very good day.

boog

2010-05-14T06:15:00.003-04:00

this guy's technique is off the charts! i may just have to stop by the mike weiss gallery this month to see these painterly revelations in person. more incentive to take off work next wednesday, head to new york and face my fear of sitting across from marina abramovic. how in god's name does boog do it?!

i mean, look at the skin around the eye!!?!

anti-fracking puppetshow & parade 5/15!

2010-05-13T07:26:00.003-04:00

fracking is not just a clever expletive from battlestar galactica, it's an environmentally devastating practice of creating and maintaining fractures in rock formations to enhance oil and natural gas collection. consequently, the chemicals used to produce these fissures are contaminating the water supply, destroying wildlife and causing human health problems. come to artists for animals event this saturday to learn all about it and find out what you can do to help!

click on flyer to enlarge:

i'll be there selling vegan goodies, so be sure to stop by the concession stand!

razor sharp

2010-05-05T19:11:00.001-04:00

ask luca who he's wearing and he will tell you: valentino couture.

top ten films of 1982

2010-05-04T07:43:00.001-04:00

1) fanny and alexander
2) fitzcarraldo
3) basket case
4) the atomic cafe
5) tenebre
6) liquid sky
7) pieces
8) cat people
9) raw force
10) the new york ripper

top ten films of 1983

2010-05-04T07:41:00.002-04:00

1) the ballad of narayama
2) videodrome
3) trading places
4) l'argent
5) the dead zone
6) a christmas story
7) zelig
8) a nos amours
9) monty python: the meaning of life
10) risky business

wherever he goes, egos...

2010-04-28T08:58:00.001-04:00

"someone who is poking around in the fog of his or her own self is no longer capable of noticing that this isolation, this 'solitary confinement of the ego' is a mass sentence - that millions of people in all the highly industrialized countries are also pacing the prison cells of the self." ~ulrich beck

irrevocable spiritual loss and the elusive promise of renewal

2010-04-28T07:52:00.004-04:00

thank you adbusters for helping me keep it real and brush up on my art history. caspar david friedrich is a monster! he was a german romantic landscape painter who lived from 1774-1840. his childhood was marked by multiple losses, including the death of his mother. at 13, he saw his brother fall through the ice of a frozen lake. he studied art in copenhagen, then settled in dresden and became known for his moody, sublime landscapes. he fell out of favor toward the end of his life, retreating into depression: "he became isolated and spent long periods of the day and night walking alone through woods and fields, often beginning his strolls before sunrise." (wikipedia) later, his work was embraced by the expressionists and existentialists and also had a deep influence on the surrealists. samuel beckett has said that his painting "man and woman contemplating the moon" was the inspiration for waiting for godot.

his landscapes are something i have been searching for. friedrich's philosophy of landscape painting: "the artist should paint not only what he sees before him, but also what he sees within him. if, however, he sees nothing within him, then he should also refrain from painting that which he sees before him. otherwise, his pictures will be like those folding screens behind which one expects to find only the sick or the dead." the inner feeling of a painting like "monk by the sea" is almost overwhelming, in large part due to his spectacular use of ruckenfigur, a visual motif of depicting a figure from behind, contemplating the view. until i discovered this work, i never knew there was a term for this type of landscape, one i have always been drawn to. i feel like i want to write a book about ruckenfigur!

here's to mr. friedrich, "the most solitary of the solitary," "a believer who struggled with doubt, a celebrator of beauty haunted by darkness."

arthur beecher carles

2010-04-12T22:09:00.000-04:00

kamchatka

2010-04-12T22:02:00.003-04:00

my dream landscape is is only accessible by helicopter for a single day at $700 a pop. i give you the kronotsky nature reserve in eastern russia:

oh well. there's always the jiuzhaigou valley.

wanna get married there luca?